stop the share

this very blog and my FB account contradicts my growing disgust in the gluttonous amount of personal sharing.

All of this sharing and re-sharing has desensitized me. The more i read, the less i feel. it numbs me into simply not caring what anyone has to say.

i cant be the only one that this is happening to. this worries me; that people, although being immersed in reading about emotions or experiences, are actually feeling less, or not processing their emotions fast enough to read the next post.

crying spells

i get them at random inappropriate times... usually on my way to work actually. when people surround me on the train. i see them of all ages. strangers. all of them probably having dealt with each of their own hardships. up until recently i had barely dealt with any myself, and still i know i havent even begun to deal with the full punch of mine. my mom is dieing and its not a painless one. its full of pain. and i naively want her to "give up" and try to feel herself again before its all over for her. its naive and i have no comprehension of what she is feeling and have no right to want her to just accept whats happening. i am her naive child that doesnt want her to hurt anymore. shes so tired.

admitting me

the fake plastered ceiling was tarnishing

and the stale sheets were heavy

"how long was i asleep?"

i blinked .. waiting  for a sign. 

a stranger rolls over and kisses my cheek

climbing over me and into his armoire

i watch him move. like a giraffe. 

one legs up and through.. then the other.

"have time to stay over for breakfast?"

i nod with a smile, sweetly .. 

rolling over to give his side of the sheets a squeeze

inhaling... nothing. 

it had happened. 

my most dreadful fear.

i'd forgotten who i was

Fwd: Delivery Status Notification (Delay)

see ive used this space to explore my feelings but somewhere along it got
smaller and smaller. almost exclusive. only particular emotions were being
expressed. its time to widen the scope and make this place mine again.
i have been slowly deteriorating into something i dont want to be. lets
mend and move on. :) its easier to fill with despair than to seek the
happiness we all deserve.

--

more violin. :)

beautiful life

i looked at my older brother as he leaned to the kitchen counter.
in a daze and heightened awareness
we both knew the universe had been good to us.

... as long as youre here, i dont need to know

i like his simplicity in lyrics and notes

mom

i dont explicity speak often. but here it goes.
cancer. the first time it was a go-get-it attitude. this time around, when it came back with such a nasty attitude and vengeance it begins to ware. my efforts in researching on how to help in the fight (for cure) also magnifies the great amount of animosity and downright hatred towards this desease. a hatred towards something that is so hard to yell at. to scream at. i do not consider myself a true daily victim in even dealing with it, since i am states away from my own mother who is fighting it. i dont see her pain or despair with it... with something she has no control over.

and in the end i know ive been lucky for all that i have and have had.
heres to hope.

caccoon

the envelope the letter goes and the stamp placed perfectly on its corner. it could not be more contrived. more deliberate. like the words chosen to present within it. calculated and perfect.

 

still. the breath is heavy with uncertainty. the heart trembles with resistence. unbalance would be lethal to it and most painful.

 

curl in the thougts, curl in the magic. curl it  into the central core womb and keep it safe.

maybe...

allergic reaction

a growth has settled under my skin

and my limbs redden and burn

my hand wipes at my hot face

smearing heat to colder places

 

i dig my nails to feel better pains

and write words to forget my hunger

 

when did this happen?

the lack of resiliance

the lack of self preservation

 

doesnt matter

my body is reacting in revenge.

 

 

i feel better

The blue sky has graced my ether again

orange skirts will reappear

yellow and green shoes will pitter patter

and happy sounds will dance above my brow

dime a dozen

looking over images today

of cute things and funny things

of buildings and modernism

of beautiful people and lovely smiles

and all i could see

is you flip through mine so quickly