resolution

i'll write them, so hopefully ill keep them :)

1. go down to working a true 8 hour work-day (including lunch)
2. save up for a trip to Electic Picnic. inspired by miss hannigan :)


id make a resolution to lose weight and get fit and all that..but this year, ill just consider that DONE by action.

holiday's last days

as the holiday season officaly comes to an end and i never wrote a proper end of year/new year entry, i'll simply recall the most recent brilliant memory i will hold dear for years to come.
My dear nichole took her first dance with her new husband.
"it is lovely...Love" her mother said, as we both stood watching. she embraced me in a way that her daughter had so many times. Such truth, love and care it held.
her contagious warmth reached my soul as i remembered what inner-peace felt like.

crystal-clear inner-peace... cheers to that for 2010.

my solstice

i dont take anti-depressants. and the sun isn't shining.. and the vacation i need seems a season away (oh, because it is :)

the realization that it can easily be labeled as "the winter blues" make me angry.
but knowing my spring and summer will return is definately something to look forward to.

i do miss three summer seasons in texas though.

signs

So after the cheer, it seems this year ended with a whole new set of rules.

This is a ranting "journal" type post, which hints that I may be able to go back to my original ways of expression, journals, sketching, painting. I hope so, cause Im getting sick of my ways these days.

WE all have bad days. bad weeks. those arent truely the thigns that get us (me) down. Its when our light stops shining for a moment.. it takes so much longer for it to get lit again. the older i get, the harder it is. we all know this. I hate self-pity.
shut up and buck up!
but i stand here with that familiar stick in my hand and want to beat the shit out of me. because then id know id be licking the mud i lay on.. with nowhere else to go but up.
so hurry the fuck up and start swinging, cause im ready to fight back.

love it.. gotta have it..

i love the sting and i love the burn
and hot damn i love that feel
the way it tickles up my spine
to my shoulder blades
to my brows that curl

the creep of it all..
how could i not fall in love!
with that untouchable feeling
that IS
indeed
touched so well

as noted:

Planet of the Apes on "infinite regression".. taken and exchanged by Quantic.
Definately a Top Ten, the movies, not the tune :).

the non-unique argument

I've made it plenty.. the over-bloggers, the over self-indulgences, the self-promotions for inadequacies that have taken over our lives. I am one of them. I started this blog because I couldn't write in my diary/journal anymore. My writer's block to my own self conscious.
The argument is, of me and all others, who cares what we think? I am not special. I am not wise.
I talk to myself...as if life is something more than us talking to ourselves.
i am not special says me to me, and to the person next to me until inifinite regression takes over and i speak to myself face to face, reassuring the fact that i live in all of you and you live in all of me.

merry christmas

here we go!

grab your stuff
pack your bags
get your pretty feet a'movin'

cause im on a roll!
rollin and scrollin
uhuh
rollin and scrollin
and killing time for you huh

*note: susandia is temporarily out of service. maintanence crews may sprinkle fairy dust causing unstable biproducts.
Please do not respond to this notice... this is an automated response.

jungle blood london

with bouncing knee and curled lip
strobed lights, i smile to the sky
blinded and happy

oh sweet caroline, mix me into tantric grin

Disclaimer:

In my search for me i found you
so, i log less and blog less..
my theraputic less...
less has taken over.

and so much more it is.

needless drinks with neccessary gatherings

what else are the holidays about.
love
giving
and of course, reaping the benefits of giving :)

happy holidays.

Life Appreciation 101

we sunk into the couch together
the near death
that slumber sleep awake
blowing minds
tumbling bodies
we fall together
and then apart...
and back together...

her moans a whisper
"this is too much"
and with our warm enbrace
we return from life deprivation

not my normal post, but...

three things...
1. DMT rocks!
2. on a cancer tangent: cheers to my mother's well being.. all cemo is DONE! :)
3. this makes me feel "OK" about all the to-go containers i throw away weekly... "we are here to fuck shit up" ha!

iron-clad

you're so iron-clad... always easy-breezy.
i smiled and responded, "of course"

there is no other way to be i thought to myself
but then i recalled a few things

i have lost my ground at times.
i have spoken to soon, or too late, at times. or not spoken at all.
i have felt too much too soon at times
and some thoughts have surpassed logic, intelligence and good-will.

BUT i don't make mistakes.. only decisions, and oh-so thankful i am for those.

Yellow Haze

I gots nothin...so ill post an accidental image that my phone decided to take.
Hence the argument that there are no real accidents.
That's my argument...
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

spoons of sugar

not like the ones forced at my mouth to stop my anemic shakes or car-sick nauseating spells.
Hmm, but now that we're on the subject, i suddenly feel the need for story telling.

I was about 5 years old, summering in Mexico, when i first realized i didn't like to be in things that moved too fast, particularly, in a circular motion.
The wretched thing was part of a traveling carnival next to my grandmothers house. It was called Platillos Voladores (flying saucers). I sat, waiting, happy, excited, as the mechanical spins began. Regardless of the cool mountain valley air, sweating palms and neck began to come over me. I took a breath holding onto my cousin and the bar on my lap.
Faster it went. Holding my breath i clenched harder, mistaken for fear, as my first cold sweat and nausea consumed me. looking down at me, realizing, she took my head to her chest covering my eyes, saying that would make it better, only seeming to make it worse. Repeating to myself, "this is fun... this is fun... supposed to be fun..."
It seemed like eternity, the slowing down , the oh-so long slowing down of my saucer. looking at the bar to lift. waiting. breathing short. sweating cold.
We quickly walked home, embarrassed of getting sick. my grandmother took one look at my pale face to nearly yank my cousin's arm out of her socket, then dragging me to the kitchen.
I remember being picked up and plopped on the stool my grandfather had made me. I was fed a spoonful of sugar followed by a bottled joya.

Under other circumstances this dinner would have been a great start to my evening :)

slowing down

to a screeching hault
with my heart at my sleeve
and my keys at your feet
i stand bare before you

finally: "Unlocked"

I watched this short film outside, at a park , before Hair was about to begin. My friends weren't impressed by it, but it stuck with me. And I finally, 2 years later, found it, only by LINK.

more from Daryl Wein.

Untitled

By a mile the wind sails

By a league the ocean wails

Until into a river

Until into a stream

Beyond the raindrops reach

Below the mud so deep



It went...

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

current book excerpt

subject: tension of opposites

Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing but you are bound to do another..you take things for granted yet you know you shouldn't. something hurts you yet you know it shouldn't.
A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle.
"Sounds like a wrestling match.. So which side wins?"
Love wins. Love always wins.
-Mitch Albon

Ok, sure, we all knew this already.
Small steps into starting with light reads. :)

only i can save me

let me just wake now...
into my present
into my now
into truest things

he stands by my side
"one day" sharpied on my face
thimble and yarn at hand
to begin life's work again

tired heart

Im tired. an exhaustion that seems to engulf my days. not cured by the coffee or the fruit.
The tired emotion of over-emotion.
Following me to dinner as my fork clings the plate, the spoon the bowl.
a lazy handle on things.

A need to sleep through my winter months.
Please, let me just sleep

its golden

so they say...

i stand at the bank of the fall
as my pit of gold awaits me
cradled to my shape, molded to my skin
dulled to milky yellow, honing my mood
flashing its yellow's, glimpsing its sheen
its lure full of deceitful promise

i listen for a shift, a smooth slide
my toes curl the edge of stone
listening... for my bones to crack

snippets

100% natural
sorta like a dream
sunshine and blueberry yogurt
sweaty necks and beating hearts

its what makes sundays great...
the nothings
the longings
the so very somethings.

to reminscing all times before now.

Guilt

It Grinds my essence to a dust

Clentching my stomache to no breath

Its bitter stentch lingers

Relentless,,

it finds its way to empty thoughts

Filling every

Every

Every

Word and sound that surrounds me.

So painful



Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

nyc update:

I find it neccessary to give these. It was afterall, the peculiar lonliness this city brings that introduced this new way of expression; this blogging and sharing.

I am wary of counting my blessings, as if thanking someone or something justifies my deserving them. but i can begin to count the certain people that have made nyc my most desirable home. They are the few and the very many --- THAT is the beauty of this place --- an appreciation for finding the niches.

drunken dreams?

6am:
he's snoring, drunk, and the smell of beer lingers as i crawl up the loft.
i say out loud "my snory thing".
He wakes and asks "who smokes more?"
i crawl in beside him
"WHO smokes more?" he asks again
"WHAT?, i dunno"
with his index, i get a poke on my forehead
a drowsy childlike smile "you lose...susy loses"


he definately lost me on that one :)

lady in spain

with my bent knee to the butchers block
over my head it surrounds me
flashing lights and thumbing keys
twinkle lights and soaring sounds
i get taken away
simply and swiftly
gracefully and brutally
i get taken.

Important Notice: Cyber-Wide Recall

WE have found that a few of Susandia's compartments did not pass recent quality testing. It is unclear if these inadequacies are external or internal areas of concern, but we are doing all that is necessary to examine, diagnose and remedy these issues.

Any reimbursements and/or replacements will be announced to resume Susandia to her proper working conditions.

If you have any questions or concerns, please call 1-800-SUS-ANDIA to speak to a customer care representative.

Regards,
Watermelon Staff