buck up

he asked me if i had a good cry over it
i dont cry about these things i responded
i repeated these words to myself as i wept
the beige pillow stained with eye make-up

i told myself again, like id told myself before
buck up and move the fuck on.

sometimes, i talk a big talk
but i forget how small i really am

love note

there's a love note that begs to be written, spoken and confessed. it lingers at the tip of my tongue and it dances at the weight of my feet. It comes and goes from hiding, but ceases to not exist. its a pesky thing, taunting me with its trips to nowhere land, that place of denial.

hmmm...

in looking and trying to hang old artwork (to inspire/remind myself that i may be slightly talented) i found one that had this scribbled behind it.

"Poor little people they run in shame
They play about the candle flame
and to my sweet satisfaction
they continue with their paltry action"

Now I'm not sure what this meant. I have an idea, because, well, its pretty shallow, but i was sixteen when i wrote it. I dont remember writing it. or thinking it up. i dont remember beig this person or even remembering using hte word paltry (must have synonymed it, when i thought simple words couldnt be as eloquent).

Above all, and simply, I like that I wrote it and that I still have it.
cheers to saving a few things here and there.

a bit manic these days

the feeling of being unproductive. my new apartment not quite feeling like home, my paintings being washed away after 2 days of exploration, unhung mirrors, unframed art, and a dart board that cant seem to stay on the wall. And lets not forget the sour moods that my dear todd (that he does not deserve) has endured as of recent, and then there's the couple of pounds that have crept on me, and finally, having moments of inadequacies at work. Everyone has their insecurities, so I don't dwell on mine. They are no more or less than any other persons, but I have them and mine are all i know.
I can "play" happy really well, because in the end, i wouldn't give my life up for anyone elses. i love my life and the people in it, but its hard work being happy all the time. todd asks "where is my happy susy, you haven't told me a susy story today". he says this when he sees a slight blank look on my face. he knows my eyes will brighten at telling a random, irrelevant story.

Camping

Image taken as I waited for my fellow campers to return from a trip for ice... :) I do love the hiking, the wood gathering, the well-earned exhausted napping.....with todd the most.

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fuck shit stack! hoot!

thursday!
after sadly (completely forgot) missing gil scott heron on sunday.

then, camping!!! need a breath of fresh air.. and cool lakes.
happy 4th of july weekend.

so sleepy

these waves, these surges, they lurk at my backside,
brushing my hair aside to push me
to lunge at me, its invisible shoulders
how brute it can be, my pulse slows
...
tbc

Her name, my gift

The night seems to gather us slowly

this dancers body, it tip toes at my collar bone

And the hammock that squeeks at constant tone awakens us

Laying its breathe of wisdom

"a reflection of you" she says

the stillest airs reframe her girlish meows

Sweet smiles and touchings while the blurs of dreams devour us.

Her name is anneka and this day I know I love her.

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:)

I like the accidental show of my orange bag, perfectly placed on the director's chair. hehehe

I do enjoy my job.

 

happy summer rant

The first day of summer starts with an awesome last day of spring. This summer, like all other summers is about love, sweat, and skin. Join me and all the other happy people, because its so much nicer on our side of the tracks.

too-many-single-girlfriends Syndrome

The lack of being surrounded by so much family, has forced me, it seems, to make more friends. And in hte recent months I have felt like I belong in a season of Sex And The City. The girlfriend brunching, the girlfriend drama, the girl-girl flirting, and all the girly things that go along with a group of girls.
A few things I've learned:
1. Being the only married one, my standards for being married are changing more to a dating scenerio. Quite peculiar phase he and I are embarking on.
2. Drama doesnt touch me and I seem to be the glue.
3. Breasts are fondled amongst girls.. alot.

I like that ive never experienced this before.. the whole girl group thing. Not for any other reason than the fact that its new to me.

spiritually transcendic

she could feel the betrayal of her memories. they were fading, being cruel to her as they floated away on their light ghostly feet. the tap of her own foot at the cafe's barstool, euphonic to the beat of Ray Charles soulful voice in the background.

She sat for a moment, eyes calmly closed as the light found its ways through her lids, forming that alternate moment. She'd go into a dream state and his smell would surround her.

 

note: im not sure why my writing is taking on this narrative "scheme". im not sure i like it. all seeming unresolved in their agenda. the word filament is still very obvious.. as they seem to be snippets of a longer story. before, it was comforting that my writings were snippets of my life, feelings, and fantasies.. but these seem to be more about the moments of a character that i want to meet.

Girl on a train

She wasn't much of a reader but she'd read the books he gave her... As if trying to find a clue to his psyche. Or to simply feel closer to him. To touch the pages he'd once touched before.
She'd read the words with a warm feeling at her stomach and memories of their shared meals would surface, lingering the train car's air.
At the last page, she'd close it knowing it was over, again. And through the bustle she'd leave the book under the lonely newspaper next to her.
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endearing privacies in the nude

yea.. that time.. you remember?
we'd just made love for the first time
silently kissing as i lay over you, one leg hung over the edge of your twin sized bed. Nine Inch Nails was playing and my new love for the song Reptile emerged.

"you wanted to slow dance, that was cute"

yea.. I think i wanted to be closer to you even still. and I think i felt awkward. It was new to me. I felt like a child.

"i fell in love with your feet that day"

yea...i always hated my feet until you loved them. Thought they were fat.

"my ordinary girl, you were always so ordinary"

yea, and you were always such an asshole.

how YOU doin'?

the wind kicked my ass on the bridge today, but as I walked into the office, sweaty and huffing, my boss greeted me with this tune, a huge smile, and the new office Ipad.

*knock on wood* as i count my blessings.

Cheers to perfect sundays.

her eyes teared when the words left her lips
And it was the first time i felt like killing a man i never knew. That i felt like cracking his head open with the butt of my rifle. the need to truely watch him bleed, motionless.
We sipped our beers in the heat, under slow spinning fans, and the sweat from our legs made us "stick". It was the first time we held hands under a table, silently, almost secretly.
I'm always the last to know how much someone means to me, moreso, what i mean to them.

Sexy...

If I say so myself... Designed by yours truly :)

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untitled

it snuggles up next to me like a dear friend

comforting me as my stomache turns

a tumbling ball of unkept promises

i can hear the zipper at the rim

its chance to wake my living dream

8 & 10

the question that circulated the room made its way to me "how happy are you, scale 1 to 10.. now and in general?" It was a wonderful question.
A handsome NY orcehstra flutest in an untied bowtie stood next to me, the man from Peru that molded the sterling silver flute stood on my other side and a Spanish trombone player named Katerina stood in front of me. Across the room was a ballet dancer who stood with a painter. And then i realized that I was the architet who was married to the wine connoissieur, who was flirting with the restaurant owner outside.
I would have answered the same if not in the same company, but it was a bit surreal nonetheless to be surrounded by such talent and beauty and love.

High Residence Co-op

The chicken have their home. :)

Daytrip Getaway #1

My friends and I have vowed to take at least one city escape a month.. at least.

 

Rules of engagements are:

smoke alot of pot

hold hands on a stroll with each of one of our friends

eat like children

bring a buddy (if our other halfs cant make it)

 

i think we'll add more "rules" as we go.

Storm King Art Center : Please note that no video or pictures do this place justice as you can't get the whole thing into one photograph... its huge! and absolutely wonderful.

false transactions

hold your head high
truth wont set you free
bring your words forth
jump the plank you want to fall off
cut the wrist you dream of,
slash the throat you speak of
it's all the same to false ones

The Kontraptionist

The Kontraptionist, who is milling the high end residential chicken co-op mentioned our "sweet" chicken coop on his blog. The chickens will finally have a home on Monday! :)

green and good

Teamlove Green Summer Initiative:
1. Furniture: used or self-built only
2. Clothes: Purchased and waiting for the delivery of WonderWash and dryer
3. Juice More (we have the counter space again!)
4. Ride bike to work (no-rain permitting)
5. Grow our own herbs again (so kitchy ;)
6. Continue to wear (mostly) cotton clothing only
7. Eat more watermelon ;)

I feel good about decisions that seem to be rooting us to brooklyn more and more.

hehehe.. happy monday!

such a great moment in the movie.

shiny sounds

my grin spreads to my ears as the crack at the bench begins to hand me the key to his heart. I snatch it, carressing the splinters it once touched. my fingers stroke, molding its perfecet shape to lay my ear on. my body bends to it.. what a perfect sound, my lover.

homesick.

i stood there with mudded legs, matted wet hair and part of my pink and white dress clentched into a fist. The blood was showing through my small hands as he yanked my secret free.
my toes curled the water gathered in my jellies. and the red carpet absorbed my drips softly. I could feel me mothers warmth against my fathers scorn, and my brothers fingers curling into one of mine. my breath kept me statued and my chewing lips kept me from crying as i felt the sting at my stomach.

i miss the fence that cut my belly that rainy day. and the ache it brought me.

the monster: that of procrastination.

to begin to stop something.
to stop something to begin something else.
to begin to begin, but never actually starting.
it can be never-ending, never starting.

i noticed...

a few things today:
1. the cloudy day made everyone at the coffee house sleepy (after small talk with my barista guy and ms.jenny next to me)...which brings me to the next one...
2. I truely do enjoy meeting strangers (i have been warned about the dangers of this)
3. biking in nyc is exhilerating (i am addicted)
4. and finally... people always seem to be "camping" at the G train (lovely couples tonight).

good night. :)

dear brother

an old one
a new one
and the one that lived years ago.

I recall when my parents were younger. I liked them that way. Strong. Healthy. Willed.
our flaws held no reprucussions and duties were far between.
but as change prevails with time, unwanted truths are sure to follow

i wish that werent our reality.