It was obvious she was allowed to dress herself that day. Yellow minnie mouse leggings, pink and white snoopy sneakers, green socks, plaid skirt, pearl necklace, white fur shaw and a red and white bandanna at her head. She accidentally grabbed at my calf when the train jerked, careless that she didn't know me. Naturally, my hand immediately fell to protect her faulty foot-work. She didn't seem to mind, being easily distracted by a burly man sitting down. We both looked at him for a bit. He was nodding off as I felt a cramp shoot through my stomach and the girls mom tugged at her hand for the next exit.
I think it made me wonder why she wasn't mine.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
todo azul, todo azul, todo azul
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
point of not return
"i have to get my shit together" thought the girl as her heel pressed into her paying customers shoulder. go back to school. get that degree i took this job for.
a swirl and dip into his lap, noticing that the dirty bloke kinda smelled nice.
"ah, he's still sober" she thought.
i really do need to get my shit together.
a swirl and dip into his lap, noticing that the dirty bloke kinda smelled nice.
"ah, he's still sober" she thought.
i really do need to get my shit together.
Monday, March 7, 2011
my other element
as you know i'm madly in love with you
but sometimes i drown in it...joyously
like a bucket of water,
a bucket of your love pours over me
and i bathe in you
with sunkissed drops at my skin
but sometimes i drown in it...joyously
like a bucket of water,
a bucket of your love pours over me
and i bathe in you
with sunkissed drops at my skin
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
8 years clean
I don't think i've ever really thought about it as a triumph, becoming "clean". Even the word clean is strange to me, as I'm still in a bit of denial that i was ever "dirty" enough. Heroine users go clean. Crack users go clean. Meth users simply aren't using at the moment. Maybe it's because I never used a needle in the entire 3 years.
When we decided to "stop", we did it as any meth addict would do anything...we over thought the process and we spoke about it for days.. we discussed the strategy thoroughly.
We'd previously discussed so many other things this way, none of which we accomplished.
It's hard to come to terms with people praising us on our stopping. I wish I knew what made us stop. i wish i had more to say than "we just made the decision to stop".
When we decided to "stop", we did it as any meth addict would do anything...we over thought the process and we spoke about it for days.. we discussed the strategy thoroughly.
We'd previously discussed so many other things this way, none of which we accomplished.
It's hard to come to terms with people praising us on our stopping. I wish I knew what made us stop. i wish i had more to say than "we just made the decision to stop".
Sunday, February 27, 2011
milk man anyone?
awakened by the cat's meow i lay in my empty bed
its 8am and he's at eliza's house and I've requested a donut. his voice happy as he comes in. i rustle out of bed to greet him i feel his eyes stare me down in my nudity.
I begin to think about how madly in love i am with our peculiar relationship. Knowing that he's hopped up on a bit of blow. knowing he's mostl likely shared sexual thoughts with my dearest girlfriend. how we mantain ourselves seperate and together.
an hour later we lay panting and all i can think is.
you're so cool
you're so cool
you're so cool
its 8am and he's at eliza's house and I've requested a donut. his voice happy as he comes in. i rustle out of bed to greet him i feel his eyes stare me down in my nudity.
I begin to think about how madly in love i am with our peculiar relationship. Knowing that he's hopped up on a bit of blow. knowing he's mostl likely shared sexual thoughts with my dearest girlfriend. how we mantain ourselves seperate and together.
an hour later we lay panting and all i can think is.
you're so cool
you're so cool
you're so cool
Or maybe my eyes
My memory and wits about time fail me these days. As i look at people on the train and think they must be someone else, someone i know. The girl across from me, Krista. Of course its not really her. It's been 5 years and she looks younger than I remember. But at second glance, it might be as I watch her eyes scan the NYC tourist map. I ponder calling out to her. Krista?
Can't be her. She would be about 40 now and this girl isn't even in her 30s. Time sure has played a mental trick on me today.
Can't be her. She would be about 40 now and this girl isn't even in her 30s. Time sure has played a mental trick on me today.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
old stone..
looking at him with weeping eyes "ill help you jump!"
as her own body fell beneath her own feet.. through the concrete into the cold air between water and stone.
her voice seemed tot carry only but an inch
her eyes and body not paid wage to
and alone her hand slipped his
he stood stoic with a smile
that bared no resemblence to hers.
as her own body fell beneath her own feet.. through the concrete into the cold air between water and stone.
her voice seemed tot carry only but an inch
her eyes and body not paid wage to
and alone her hand slipped his
he stood stoic with a smile
that bared no resemblence to hers.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
2010
with my hair in rollers, a bride-to-be at my side, and a ghost looming over me.
That's how it began.
it continued with careful footsteps
that escalated to a flutter by the spring
and danced furiously in the summers heat
my sunshine was too bright for our fall
and the winter blues never came.
Happy new year to all..
(heart) teamlove
That's how it began.
it continued with careful footsteps
that escalated to a flutter by the spring
and danced furiously in the summers heat
my sunshine was too bright for our fall
and the winter blues never came.
Happy new year to all..
(heart) teamlove
Monday, December 6, 2010
looking back
i started sharing my thought online four years ago. first it was a "journal" then the blog. it was simply a way to write again. I'd stopped writing in my paper journals and thought it might be easier via blog/typing. Four years ago today i wrote this via Journal Home:
12/6/2006 - all down hill
well finished the most relevant final of the semester....STUDIO JURY.
this is where students present work to a panel of architects and they tell what you did right/wrong.
so after not sleeping for three nights, i present, and a big shot architect tells me my design represented mush. mush in the sense that i could not make a desicion on what i wantd my architecture to be. the other two jurors liked my desicions but said the project lacked conviction. so this was not a good jury, to say the least. very bad actually.
the problem: i was too aware of what other students were doing all semester and not allowing myslef to become my own architect. i am talented, i was 1/15 people accepted to this institute, so why the hell did i sell myself short?
common of me to do this, but usually i analyze and repair, so next semester i will enter with conviction!
nice to know in two semsters i will have a masters, i would have never thought.
12/6/2006 - all down hill
well finished the most relevant final of the semester....STUDIO JURY.
this is where students present work to a panel of architects and they tell what you did right/wrong.
so after not sleeping for three nights, i present, and a big shot architect tells me my design represented mush. mush in the sense that i could not make a desicion on what i wantd my architecture to be. the other two jurors liked my desicions but said the project lacked conviction. so this was not a good jury, to say the least. very bad actually.
the problem: i was too aware of what other students were doing all semester and not allowing myslef to become my own architect. i am talented, i was 1/15 people accepted to this institute, so why the hell did i sell myself short?
common of me to do this, but usually i analyze and repair, so next semester i will enter with conviction!
nice to know in two semsters i will have a masters, i would have never thought.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
its been a long time
..since i posted that song.
since the dent on my couch was made
since i pushed two keys for rewind
every intimate listen.
evey close aqcuaintance,
...i give it thanks
i give it my growth, my heart, my love
i give it every knowledge
every thought i knew
cause until it
it seems i knew nothing.
since the dent on my couch was made
since i pushed two keys for rewind
every intimate listen.
evey close aqcuaintance,
...i give it thanks
i give it my growth, my heart, my love
i give it every knowledge
every thought i knew
cause until it
it seems i knew nothing.
Monday, November 22, 2010
my ballerina's cave
my hand rested on her knee at a Bedford cafe
and we felt embraced by Silence
through the awkward moments and strange discomforts
the year had given us our love
"there are only a few people i share this dreary with" she said
realizing that we were in this together
and we felt embraced by Silence
through the awkward moments and strange discomforts
the year had given us our love
"there are only a few people i share this dreary with" she said
realizing that we were in this together
Thursday, November 11, 2010
simple words from a simple girl
I've always thought my writing was "simple". I never use big words and I'd like to believe my sentences are usually coherent (enough).
The winner of this years "The Bad Writing Contest" was...
"Judith Butler, a Guggenheim Fellowship-winning professor of rhetoric and comparative literature at the University of California at Berkeley, admired as perhaps “one of the ten smartest people on the planet,” wrote the sentence that captured the contest’s first prize."
The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power.
WHAT!?!?!
The winner of this years "The Bad Writing Contest" was...
"Judith Butler, a Guggenheim Fellowship-winning professor of rhetoric and comparative literature at the University of California at Berkeley, admired as perhaps “one of the ten smartest people on the planet,” wrote the sentence that captured the contest’s first prize."
The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power.
WHAT!?!?!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
..continued,
and as my fingers trailed my belly's skin my eyes lightly fluttered open and the lips of my husband pressed at mine. and a long smile crept over my face in relief. He was still here. Making dinner as a matter of fact.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
A few things...
I've learned about myslef as of late.
1. I'm overly self concious of annoying someone in random conversation. I tend to speak about random things in a story-like fashion, but without a climax or punchline ending.
2. I don't do things for myself. I've been meaning to: get a massage, go relax at the russian bathouse, take a yoga class and finally of course a live model drawing class. I need to make a list of these. Priorities are a bit these days.
3. Grey hair. I have them now. A bit superficial, but they are a bit depressing. :)
4. I'm awesome. This may seem self consumed but for a person that has thought as herself as average, "nothing special", and "a dime a dozen" , its a big step for me in self "love". Not to be mis-communicated as a lack of confidence. This is a realization that I am who I am becuase of me, not because of luck or the people I surround myself with. I've made some of this, i've made some of "me" happen and I'm happy for the signs that have shown me this.
5. And bartendars seem to enjoy my conversation on slow wednesday nights.
Cheers
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
1. I'm overly self concious of annoying someone in random conversation. I tend to speak about random things in a story-like fashion, but without a climax or punchline ending.
2. I don't do things for myself. I've been meaning to: get a massage, go relax at the russian bathouse, take a yoga class and finally of course a live model drawing class. I need to make a list of these. Priorities are a bit these days.
3. Grey hair. I have them now. A bit superficial, but they are a bit depressing. :)
4. I'm awesome. This may seem self consumed but for a person that has thought as herself as average, "nothing special", and "a dime a dozen" , its a big step for me in self "love". Not to be mis-communicated as a lack of confidence. This is a realization that I am who I am becuase of me, not because of luck or the people I surround myself with. I've made some of this, i've made some of "me" happen and I'm happy for the signs that have shown me this.
5. And bartendars seem to enjoy my conversation on slow wednesday nights.
Cheers
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
all is worth keeping
The idea of being abandoned is not a pleasant one. It's enough to make a kind person call the friends they cherish, hug the people they love, and pour their hearts out to the few they wouldnt be able to live without.
It can make a selfish person do the same.
Our office has been working on a secret project for an abandoned subway station. In the meantime I am enjoying the architectural and social moments of being deserted with an embrace.
It can make a selfish person do the same.
Our office has been working on a secret project for an abandoned subway station. In the meantime I am enjoying the architectural and social moments of being deserted with an embrace.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
..continued (short thought)
The goal tonight was a small one. Wash one load of dishes and one load of laundry within the first hour of arrriving home. With the habitual act of turning the key to my gate and the key to my front door, the warmth of my home embraced me. Immediately thereafter, came the shedding process. The thoughts of washing dishes and doing laundry tossed to the floor with the very clothes I wore. The office work, the deadlines, the cold aura surrounding me left in a trail behind my naked body. ...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
...
This particular feeling was all too familar. The intention to wait to have a child becoming an accident that I could no longer have one. The intention to only make out with a boy the night before, but accidentally sleeping with him. The intention to move on, but accidentally staying frozen on the platform. "The choices of a naive child" i thought as the trains velocity blew my hair to my lips. my fingers brushing the strands away.
I silently mouthed the words "one-thirty-four" as i I began to walk. The number was my weight and It had been for many years now. I am not fully aware of when this became an aural automated responce to moments of mental boredom or self-ridicul. But it was my catalyst to thoughts of bettering my life, my situation. The number somehow had become my catapult to goal-making.
I silently mouthed the words "one-thirty-four" as i I began to walk. The number was my weight and It had been for many years now. I am not fully aware of when this became an aural automated responce to moments of mental boredom or self-ridicul. But it was my catalyst to thoughts of bettering my life, my situation. The number somehow had become my catapult to goal-making.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
baby steps_let us begin
I purposely put the book beside me, in the empty seat. My eyes shifted with my body, at an attempt to disown it. Thoughts wandered to the woman who held a child across from me. The child seemed to hold the insight of the universe in her blank stare. "Peculiar child", i thought as the train's attendant called the next stop and i planted my feet to the floor. It stopped and I left, realizing noone called to me for the book I'd left. At that moment the intention became an accident and I stood with a tinge of regret.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
My dream kitchen
Cheers to creative juices, love, and the people that promote it!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
Monday, October 11, 2010
you're SO awesome!
if i've ever felt so awesome, it's when my two girlfriends yelled it to me. at this point i was upside down,similar to a handstand, but my hands were not on the floor. Through Ayns direction, we managed to get me poised straight up, by shoulders only. I was floating, if only for a moment.and almost naturally my body bent backwards, the plants of her feet at my lower back. and again i floated.
....i have signed myself up for circus acrobats next weekend with ayn.. HAPPY 32nd BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!
....i have signed myself up for circus acrobats next weekend with ayn.. HAPPY 32nd BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
lets live forever please.
although i am not suicidal by any means, i think of dieing quite a bit. I've never written about this, because its only recently that I've realized my strange infatuation with it. There are several ways i think about it.
1. Daily Undergarment Dilemna: "If i get in a car wreck, the doctors will see my bra/panties aren't a matching set" This idiotic thought came from my mother as a way to insinuate that you should always be presentable , down to your undergarments. As I get older the thought has evolved to "why would i care, id be dead". So more often than not, my undergarments dont match now.
2. Evidence/Secrets come to Light. At a moment when todd and I decided to stop doing "so many" drugs many years ago, the question was "If we died, my parents would find a crack pipe in our belongings, and would be heart broken" We dont own one anymore, but have strange powdered substances in the freezer still.
3. Unfinished Business. I'd like to beleive everyone thinks about this one. "Business" can be defined anywhere from "spending time with the ones i love/family, etc" to " i wish i'd traveled more", "made more of my life" etc. this one i only think about in guilt. because i dont think it. Rather i feel a guilt for not thinkign it.. that in turn makes me wonder if i deserve to die more than someone else wo fears. Id argue with myself , that, the very reason i thin of it is beacuse i fear it. im not sure about this arguemtn yet.
4. It happens all the time: This comes when i watch the news or a televsion show and death happens. I think "somone is dieign right now, and the day i do die a girl across the earth will be writing in a blog, wtching a tv sow and searching for new music to post". it happens to everyone and will happen to me.
and as i write this, I silently think
5. i wonder if the universe think im calling its bluff? like im asking for it. Im realyl not. id hate to die right now. But if i do tomorrow, theres your lesson, to not look at death in such a curious way, stay away from even the idea of it. do not accept "its a part of life".
... and then i remember, its not death for ones self that we fear... but the death of the ones around us, the ones we love.
1. Daily Undergarment Dilemna: "If i get in a car wreck, the doctors will see my bra/panties aren't a matching set" This idiotic thought came from my mother as a way to insinuate that you should always be presentable , down to your undergarments. As I get older the thought has evolved to "why would i care, id be dead". So more often than not, my undergarments dont match now.
2. Evidence/Secrets come to Light. At a moment when todd and I decided to stop doing "so many" drugs many years ago, the question was "If we died, my parents would find a crack pipe in our belongings, and would be heart broken" We dont own one anymore, but have strange powdered substances in the freezer still.
3. Unfinished Business. I'd like to beleive everyone thinks about this one. "Business" can be defined anywhere from "spending time with the ones i love/family, etc" to " i wish i'd traveled more", "made more of my life" etc. this one i only think about in guilt. because i dont think it. Rather i feel a guilt for not thinkign it.. that in turn makes me wonder if i deserve to die more than someone else wo fears. Id argue with myself , that, the very reason i thin of it is beacuse i fear it. im not sure about this arguemtn yet.
4. It happens all the time: This comes when i watch the news or a televsion show and death happens. I think "somone is dieign right now, and the day i do die a girl across the earth will be writing in a blog, wtching a tv sow and searching for new music to post". it happens to everyone and will happen to me.
and as i write this, I silently think
5. i wonder if the universe think im calling its bluff? like im asking for it. Im realyl not. id hate to die right now. But if i do tomorrow, theres your lesson, to not look at death in such a curious way, stay away from even the idea of it. do not accept "its a part of life".
... and then i remember, its not death for ones self that we fear... but the death of the ones around us, the ones we love.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
dear friend of recognition
you know me too well
a slight movement tells you my story
shares with you my dreams
sings to you my every fear
you walk with knowledge of who i am
of what i want
of what i need
and when my sun feels the clouds
you hide behind the trees with me
joining me in my puddled water
breathing in my thickened air
you could walk in my shoes
and your step would be as mine.
a slight movement tells you my story
shares with you my dreams
sings to you my every fear
you walk with knowledge of who i am
of what i want
of what i need
and when my sun feels the clouds
you hide behind the trees with me
joining me in my puddled water
breathing in my thickened air
you could walk in my shoes
and your step would be as mine.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
good times.
the notion that emotions are contagious has never been so apparant to me. A small duration of the summer held a slumber for me. As it did for everyone around me. Im not sure who it started with, but it spread. And now with good cheer, we are all, as a group, in a good place again.
so raise your glass to the people around you that bring you to a higher place. You owe them at least that much.
note to self: smile + remember the yogurt.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
To the unforgotten
I felt a familiar connection to him, like a brother. Sure, I once had a crush on him, but that passed with endearment. He was so beautiful. Wickedly charming, and naturally warm.
"Thanks for coming" he'd tell me when I'd make the drive out to huntsville.
I knew the value of his thanks. That alone, made the sadness I felt leaving him there bearable.
I suppose there is a certain romanticising who he was. He didn't make it passed the age where his actions were unacceptable and lame. Young and rebellious and lost. He died that way.
I've always liked to think that he meant to die, in a drug induced euphoric state perhaps. That at that moment, he was at peace with himself.
Happy birthday Mario.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
"Thanks for coming" he'd tell me when I'd make the drive out to huntsville.
I knew the value of his thanks. That alone, made the sadness I felt leaving him there bearable.
I suppose there is a certain romanticising who he was. He didn't make it passed the age where his actions were unacceptable and lame. Young and rebellious and lost. He died that way.
I've always liked to think that he meant to die, in a drug induced euphoric state perhaps. That at that moment, he was at peace with himself.
Happy birthday Mario.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®
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