calm before the storm

without the perfect answer to why
the tethered rope
turning and twisting
barely holding on.
give me a fucking sign
a fucking sign.
thats all i want.

momma

she was a badass.. and i miss her so much.

self scold

not much for them-new years resolutions. but lets be frank hank: im 34 years old. am too-many-lbs over weight. i cant get a consistent sleep habit down. not to mention eating habit. i spend too much time sitting in front of a computer. and i have a love affair with making and breaking plans/goals. where is my accountability to myself!?

so real

sometimes... i may phone ya and other times i may not. my touch is near and of the deepest touches. you will know. i am here. watching over us

stop the share

this very blog and my FB account contradicts my growing disgust in the gluttonous amount of personal sharing.

All of this sharing and re-sharing has desensitized me. The more i read, the less i feel. it numbs me into simply not caring what anyone has to say.

i cant be the only one that this is happening to. this worries me; that people, although being immersed in reading about emotions or experiences, are actually feeling less, or not processing their emotions fast enough to read the next post.

crying spells

i get them at random inappropriate times... usually on my way to work actually. when people surround me on the train. i see them of all ages. strangers. all of them probably having dealt with each of their own hardships. up until recently i had barely dealt with any myself, and still i know i havent even begun to deal with the full punch of mine. my mom is dieing and its not a painless one. its full of pain. and i naively want her to "give up" and try to feel herself again before its all over for her. its naive and i have no comprehension of what she is feeling and have no right to want her to just accept whats happening. i am her naive child that doesnt want her to hurt anymore. shes so tired.

admitting me

the fake plastered ceiling was tarnishing

and the stale sheets were heavy

"how long was i asleep?"

i blinked .. waiting  for a sign. 

a stranger rolls over and kisses my cheek

climbing over me and into his armoire

i watch him move. like a giraffe. 

one legs up and through.. then the other.

"have time to stay over for breakfast?"

i nod with a smile, sweetly .. 

rolling over to give his side of the sheets a squeeze

inhaling... nothing. 

it had happened. 

my most dreadful fear.

i'd forgotten who i was

Fwd: Delivery Status Notification (Delay)

see ive used this space to explore my feelings but somewhere along it got
smaller and smaller. almost exclusive. only particular emotions were being
expressed. its time to widen the scope and make this place mine again.
i have been slowly deteriorating into something i dont want to be. lets
mend and move on. :) its easier to fill with despair than to seek the
happiness we all deserve.

--

more violin. :)

beautiful life

i looked at my older brother as he leaned to the kitchen counter.
in a daze and heightened awareness
we both knew the universe had been good to us.

... as long as youre here, i dont need to know

i like his simplicity in lyrics and notes

mom

i dont explicity speak often. but here it goes.
cancer. the first time it was a go-get-it attitude. this time around, when it came back with such a nasty attitude and vengeance it begins to ware. my efforts in researching on how to help in the fight (for cure) also magnifies the great amount of animosity and downright hatred towards this desease. a hatred towards something that is so hard to yell at. to scream at. i do not consider myself a true daily victim in even dealing with it, since i am states away from my own mother who is fighting it. i dont see her pain or despair with it... with something she has no control over.

and in the end i know ive been lucky for all that i have and have had.
heres to hope.

caccoon

the envelope the letter goes and the stamp placed perfectly on its corner. it could not be more contrived. more deliberate. like the words chosen to present within it. calculated and perfect.

 

still. the breath is heavy with uncertainty. the heart trembles with resistence. unbalance would be lethal to it and most painful.

 

curl in the thougts, curl in the magic. curl it  into the central core womb and keep it safe.

maybe...

allergic reaction

a growth has settled under my skin

and my limbs redden and burn

my hand wipes at my hot face

smearing heat to colder places

 

i dig my nails to feel better pains

and write words to forget my hunger

 

when did this happen?

the lack of resiliance

the lack of self preservation

 

doesnt matter

my body is reacting in revenge.

 

 

i feel better

The blue sky has graced my ether again

orange skirts will reappear

yellow and green shoes will pitter patter

and happy sounds will dance above my brow

dime a dozen

looking over images today

of cute things and funny things

of buildings and modernism

of beautiful people and lovely smiles

and all i could see

is you flip through mine so quickly

burden

mi amor.. id like to say
but the words are dry in my mouth
the crook in my neck isnt helping
id like to smile but i cant
dance but im tired

and then you give me sadness
to make me feel better

Hey mami.

So here we go. My new mother board in my new computer.

I should be happy with my toy but I am debating whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. As if i don't sit in front of a computer at work enough*? Why would i subject myself to more screen time? More eye strain and bad posture in the comfort of my own home? It's not like my desk chair at home is something worth missing while I'm away. I'm addicted to the internet and the machines who bring it to me.


*As she types from her office at 9:53PM

night terror

cancer grew in her frail body
and i ate the cob like a greedy child
a painful crunch on my fallen K-9
my hand clenched hard to keep it safe
walking around lost and panicked

yanked from my roots
and before I knew it
i wandered with an empty crimson hand

stop shaking me!

stop this wretched twist you do at my wrist
the pull
the push
the spiral rabbit hole i fall
climb then claw
back on my mountain top again
now pull me back down
why dont you!
why dont you!?

push me

tinge of devil

i could wrap you in my cloak
but i swing it in fury
dance it at your lips
at the very fingers you reach from

circling your words with yours again

let us share what we both know
i am no pot of gold
we can say it out loud...

we expect failure and nothing more

lovely ladies will avenge my sorrows

September





October





All i need now is Miss. Brandi Carlile in November ;)

drum drama dram dumb

there is that drum again... pecking at my peg-legged drumstick. carrying on about its latest bass encounter. my feet seem to catch that proper beat.

AND

a nod of my head, i float to its vibration and get caught in drum drama. pitter patter, my heart goes thump. filling me with drams for easy feet and open legs. lets get going drummer boy in your dark chocolate skin.

be my dumb for tonight and i'll be your no-drama.

c'mon.. fishy fishy

I want to be the small fish

take this authority away from me

bind me and grapple this  power i have

let me kick and struggle my limbs away

i have the will to be will-less

the conscious to be left unconscious

a temporary defeat

a moment of pure sacrifice

...

you don't have it in you

the very rifle i'd use to kill

you shudder at it

and i stroke its barrel

...

but this fish has been wrong before.

drums, silence this violin

i've looked away from our sunny days
and taken a long walk through thorny trees
my clothes ripped, feet tired, mouth dry
a weak smile up to the moon
it smiles back and offers me a different day

Our coop makes it to sunny state, los angeles city

:) just a cute update on coop adventures

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

This "nothing"

I miss the rothko chapel in a time like this. Getting lost in its silent black womb. Suppressing my soul enough to quiet my nerves.

Maybe it was the sunshine that I'd return to that would lift my soul. The green grass and large pecan tree field. Piano's museum gleaming clean..my first love affair with architecture.

This was my stop after the bus ride, but before my nude figure drawing class.



Now I ride the subway straight home. Something's gotta change.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Call me a hater

Cause I don't mention in passing what I do...

what I do?

I drink

I smile

I love

I create

And I try my best not to grow bitter.



I'm a stripper... Not believable?

Ok

How about...

I'm a social worker?

Oh! That works for you?



Sigh... Hipster boys really need to stop thinking tight extra sagged skinny jeans is "hip".



-end of rant

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Lover's aching feet

I will stand by you through this.. My soft breath and gentle voice will soothe you.



There is a rumor that americans work too hard and don't enjoy life. I think the italians started it. Nonetheless, my lover has lost his way into a cliche.





Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®