my sweet thang!

4am, call the black towncar
"manhattan, W11th and 8th!"
apply the lipstick, check the eyes
the street lights, the bridge
to that hippist french bistro
to wait for him to strut out
in the cold air as the body burns

12 days

12 days till final review and the sense of desperation is surfacing amongst my fellow classmates...should be intersting as we all approach our final days and nights...and somewhat like a mild delirious trip on lsd and speed.
hoorah!
hoorah!
hoorah!

no point entry 001

giving up isnt an option...and rarely ever is.
i mean the idea of giving up on something, a person, oneself, and such seems so unbearable. it's the act of deciding to say "i am no longer putting effort into this and am regarding the thing at hand no longer a priority"... and i know ive done it, but i just cant put my finger on when.

current sound

it's always a woman's voice that soothes me the most

suffocate me with your second hand t-shirt
with your smile and your black hair
sweat dripping, people laughing
bodies grinding and the sheer life of it all
intoxicating

god says

i cant sleep...ive written and deleted about four entries. frustrated and ungrounded, i then planned on reciting to you my first efforts at poetry. while pulling the poem folder from the shelf, Meditations from Conversations With God stumbled out.

MEDITATTION for Nov.23 : BEGIN BY BEING STILL. QUIET THE OUTER WORLD, SO THAT THE INNER WORLD MIGHT BRING YOU SIGHT.

yes it's a psuedo-meditation...but maybe i will try to be still for a bit.

dime adios

my emotions dont seem swayed. they stick and stay. i pleed for their remission but they return with a vengeance, even more intrusive and more aggressive.
conquer and defeat i think
talk and reason i think
subside and move on i think
deny! deny! deny! i think
i think?

these knots

beautiful things can turn into a muddy haze afterall
but i guess, thanks must be given for all of life's etc., etc., etc.

take my hand
wrap my fingers
walk me to the land
you said our future lingers

dear jane,

your smile has been subdued by greys
cringing at the smells of mold, pushing back at shoulders passing

your step pounds down at loss
your breathe devours gaze
your eyes scream at the heavens
each and every thought and moment
EVERYTHING!!! AND ALL!
more defeating than the last.

sincerely yours
your fall

dear john,

this smile is resistant to this cold air and grey gloom.
it withstands the nudges on the street and the smell of wet cement.

each step is filled with hope...
each sigh breathes in new life...
each eyelash flutters slower...
each...each...each everything
EVERYTHING!!! more sublime than the last.

sincerely yours
in autumm

what's her name....that chic

she walked in and her face was as pink as cotton candy.
i dont remember her name but i remeber her this way.
she was so cool in 2002...behind the SanFransisco Steakhouse.
leaning over the mirror, smiling at us.
she was so cool.

i really wish i could recall her name.

shock and awe

how many pratt architects does it take to dispose of a dead mouse?
if i werent around they would just wait for next day reinforcment.

i shimmied the pour little thing into its brown paper bag.
so after the "you're more of a man than i am" and "of course, she's texan". i got to thinking.
my dad is a hunter..he hunts deer mostly and some boar. i was taken along once and taught to handle and shoot firearms. and at my younger age, we raised chickens, rabbits, and the periodic goat [which we watched get cleaned and butchered]....so maybe i am more of a man [in refernce to the caveman scenerio...since it was a caveman comment].

texan? people say that a lot here. and hell yes i'm texan and im proud of it!
otherwise, im not sure how being texan might pertain to wanting to dispose of a decomposing carcass in my workspace.

Dr. susy

the last season has arrived..the last month or so where i will be in a learning [institutional] environment for the sake of me. the last winter break is approaching. the last last-day of class is approaching. the last time i will be amongst classmates is approaching...at the age of 29. my last season...docrtine anyone?
nah...let's try the real world for a week or so.

susy!

work before play!
work before play!
work before play!
grrrrrrrrrrrr

dear brooklyn,

i took a nap [dreaming of mom at ~40] on this friday night and woke to my husbands exhuberant "hello, up, up and away!" as he bounced over me like a child...it was reminiscent of my brother doing the same, and as i smiled with pure admiration, i couldnt help get sad for a second. feb 21. magnetic fields..cant wait.

be sincere

the lecture tonight was therapeutic...with enlightening words and wonderful drawings. he spoke of energy...good and bad, mostly good. it was an hour and a half lecture.
there has to be an appreciation for the sincere energy that someone gives towards sometihng or someone, no matter how short lived its deliverance...because the life of the energy given is not short at all but continues as i do.

ps. the sincerity of the energy is key to its lifespan...

taking orders

5 pm.. muffins half off!
field trip!
let's go!
hurry!
yay!

teamlove

More than a few people have misunderstood what "teamlove" means...to us.
OUR STORY:
Our first year married crystal meth was our choice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
we never slept. In between the after party and the after-after party, Pokemon would come on (about 8am). we watched.
THE ANTAGONIST: teamrocket is a self-loved couple trying to capture pokemon...they always dress really cool but things never seem to go their way...they believe their destiny it to "take over" and they never lose their optimism towards their sincere attempts to make the world a better place. their [modified per episode] motto always introduced their grand entrance.
THE FINALE: so in our delirious-we-love-everyone-haze we related to them and because we didnt relate to the rocket part of the name we renamed ourselves to what they claimed to be against...LOVE...we knew that they weren't really against love, but were just feeling misunderstood by the general public.

so we called ourselves teamlove...it stuck
maybe new matching t-shirts are in order.

tus ojos negros

spin me! spin me! spin me!
black kaleidoscope skys

bare shoulders, toxic looks
hot sweat and cold necks
raw teeth, blood lips

red lines, blue tracers
slipping under
under, down and under

watermelon sweetness

feel the sweet breath of time
as the oranges appear at the window

ahhh...and stre----tch
tingle and slide
mmmm...and brea----the
smile and wrap

melt and melt and melt

oh me, oh my [old faithfull]

haven't painted in a few years...and the urge to paint burns...
so we'll test the infatuation to this feeling.
so i dusted the canvas off, shook the paints and took out my old "i love beef" apron. the lighting in the room isn't great but it will do into these first late nights.
the last things i painted were people and me [only cause im always my own constant].im excited about my new sense of expression...so lets hope it produces new treats...hoping it will go beyond mere representation.

bittersweet

i am chatty today..yes, very chatty.
something is different today...as if something changed and now im ready to go on ahead with it all.
its accepting what has to be expected i suppose...and then it all makes sense again.

wind blows perfect

wind blows perfect, coffee is hot, and the mood is sublime

afternoon delight

breathe susana...breathe...you remember, be cool
remember the cool chic you are...oh, she stepped out for lunch.
well it's almost 2...she should be back soon.
oh look, speak of the devil.

the music pounds...so good

here it comes...that feeling...that undeniable feeling of...of pure goodness.
when there is nothing to be sad about...nothing to feel insecure about...nothing to have apathy for.
like clockwork it comes...after the heat, then the desperation, then the obsession, then the absolute happiness...it glistens on my skin. radiating.
.
.
stay with me. lay and listen.

so cool

yay!!!...let's meet in the city
where we can play rich, we can play cool
smeared black eyeliner and headaches pounding
vintage coats walking, peg-legged pants riding
and there you are
between that model chic and that valet guy
there we are...meeting in th city

fleeting moments that pass

the desperation that comes when feeling unwanted, unneeded, and/or betrayed.
at the pit of the stomach it grows to panic, then anger, then the desperation again...the despreation to get it all back.
desperation followed by obsession...obsession in desperate moments is the worst...the absolute worst.