set, save, go

sometimes i write in haste, other times in a drunken stupor, but sometimes i write to actually find myself again, with nothing but the purest of intentions. Sometimes writing works, and i discover something i didn't know about myself or  i come to a decision i still didn't even know i'd made.
A plan has been in motion for a while and now it's about time i begin the process. when you know, you know.

mija... que haces?

would she tell me to come home?
she would.
she would ask why i'm not with my brothers and sister.
she would remind me that "in the end nothing matters but the people who love you most, your family"
she'd ask to keep my father's temper tempered

the biggest heart, my biggest love.
Aurora.

Then, the intellect in me exposes the awe one has in someone's departure.  for one to say meaningful things while alive can be a sweet and thoughtful thing but to remember those verses when that person has passed is a thing of great sorrow and enlightenment.  i love you mom. and i miss you. i wish you were here to beg me to come home.

black eyed and tender

lip's curl to the floor as a breath releases a hot question

"how did i get here?" on this cold floor,  with my chest heaving for the life that i'm about to lose.

my mind wanders of what an age old conundrum this has been to many people at different moments, at different times, in different and many circumstances.   Every soul old or well enough to formulate the words must have asked themselves this at least once. It's when the day or fleeting moment comes when nothing makes sense in our own minds.  It's when our thoughts and expectations have deceived us.

brain overlaid : UPDATE

Hmm.. OK, so maybe the list worked a little. Let's see


:) 80%  wake up early
:) 50%  get to work early
:(  0% work out 3 times a week
:)  90% cook 18 out of my 21 meals
:) 50%begin taking my ARE exams to actually be an architect
:( 0% get a new job - i may have decided against this :)
0% get a new apartment : I may have decided to omit this from my list :)
:) 100% visit my family in houston
:( 0% go to the social security office to get my maiden name back
:( 0% go the DMV office to get my maiden name back
:( 0%  finish my website

5 sad faces, 5 happy faces.. Not too bad. Let's change that in the next few months :)

You are moving on...

That's what everyone says.. move on. you're moving on. But I have to admit I'm almost in the same place i was a year ago. A little less despair. A little less crazed, but just as heart-broken as I was the day he left, the day he moved in with someone else, the day I found out he would be the father of someone else's baby.

I would love to move on, but the only place I seem to be moving towards is the fact that i still love him.

It will pass as all things do I guess. I hope, cause this sucks.

brain overload

too much to do and a panic sets in.
I can only focus on making lists of things to do, but not actually doing them.
for example:
wake up early
get to work early
work out 3 times a week
cook 18 out of my 21 meals
begin taking my ARE exams to actually be an architect
get a new job
get a new apartment
visit my family in houston
go to the social security office to get my maiden name back
go the DMV office to get my maiden name back
finish my website
be happy
hug the people i love.
start doing the things i make lists of

With a high...

..comes a low

some time this time last year i looked for professional help. My dad asked if i had gone crazy since I went to see a therapist. "I am having a moment of disconnection" I told my father.

Moments of disconnect never happen at good times. Scratch that. They can and do. Those times, I refer to them as epiphanies or enlightenments and I greet them with open arms and even with fearful heart at times. Either way, moments of disconnect are not to be taken lightly. They are intrusive and if not handled carefully will make me tailspin into an unsustainable euphoric state or into a chaotic mess of confusion.
Gibberish.

back to the light.

with the cherry blossoms at bloom 

naps in the park 

days at the beach and blueberry shakes

what more could i want?

this is perfect. 

365.242199 days later

A community of open-minded and fun people who gather together to have honest conversations about relationships, sex, and intimacy

Who would have thought i could cry in front of a circle of strangers. "hippy shit" i thought for a moment, but then i realized that we were all human and the need to gather to be honest wasn't such a bad thing.

People said things to me.
1. you go with the flow and don't take charge it seems. You let things happen instead of making them happen.
2. i hope you allow yourself to have the much needed cry you need.
3. you radiate such warmth and compassion that i hope you get to share a lot of it with the world.
4. thankyou for being brave and sharing, you inspired me and the group.

i thought the class was going to be more about sex, turns out it was about whatever each person was exposing that night. I look forward to more meetings.

Just when you think you're out...

they pull you back in.

"hella traumatic" a dear friend described being left for someone else. Usually the "other person" is simply a symptom of a deeper problem, but that is a conversation for another day.

i am hella traumatized, still. Ugh.

regression

to simplier and happier days. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pu9R4egeg_I

around the corner

I have been happier before. This is a realization that is OK for me to admit. 

There has always been a calm built into me. This self assured knowledge that "i'll be fine". My friends say I dont have "emotional chaos", something that they all share. 

i know i can be happy again. and am OK simply planning for it for now. 

babies

Feb. 04, 2014.
It has been recorded. History it will become soon enough.

pendulum

i think there is a poem about one. or a short story. Im almost sure its famous but i read it as a kid so i cant remember much about it. it was dark is all i remember.

it dropped. i knew it was coming.

happy birthday mom

She would have have been 70 years old today.

I've felt guilty before for not missing her as much as I should have. My pain had been felt more in the pain she felt in her last days. No one deserves that pain. Death is ugly and movies lie.

I want her in my future. In my happiness. I will yearn her meeting my true love and children.

Happy birthday mom, I don't miss u, I just wish you were here.

simple pleasures and pleasant surprises

these used to come easy.
and the truth is, they still do.

the thing is, i forgot.
i forgot to see them, to find them, to look for them.
i got distracted with things.
intangible things, that i can't even pinpoint anymore.
an accumulation of naivety and youth i suppose.
they crept up on me and i forgot to see simplicity.

then real things happened. one person left. another died.
truths were exposed and i have been forced to look again
slowly but surely, with new eyes, im beginning to see again.

current anthem