verbatim journal entry 01

It's the first official day of my new journal.  Welcome.  Before today I'd been "journaling" in my blog.  It served its purpose, to satisfy my need for external attention.  Todd, my now ex-husband, wasn't satisfying my attention needs.  He's not completely to be blamed. He was working a lot and I was in summer session from classes.  In a new city with no friends in town and a whole summer to spend, I turned to the most accessible attention, the internet.  Anonymous social networks and blogs. Fast forward 8 years, completing grad school, a few jobs, three neighborhood re-locations, a dead mother, a divorce, depression and 30+ lbs weight gain. And now, I am finally lonely enough to not want internet based attention.  It's been a long journey to get into the comfort of being alone. To cuddle it and embrace it.  It is not some poetic action nor is it something that lasts forever because now i truly know nothing does. It's very nice to meet you Susana, I plan on loving you for the rest of my life.

for reals...

Getting my groove back.
my relationship with myself is improving.  I am beginning to love myself again in a way i have not in a very long time. When I think back, I do believe my descent began about 4 years ago.  The motivation to create my own artwork and pay my body the respect it deserves was beginning to vanish. Now, i am JUST beginning to rebuild the life i want, the life i am proud of.  It has taken a long time to begin this ascending process and it feels truly amazing.

Now, when a love song comes on I think about myself. I sing it to myself.  It's the sweetest and most endearing thing i've done for myself in years. :)