homesick.

i stood there with mudded legs, matted wet hair and part of my pink and white dress clentched into a fist. The blood was showing through my small hands as he yanked my secret free.
my toes curled the water gathered in my jellies. and the red carpet absorbed my drips softly. I could feel me mothers warmth against my fathers scorn, and my brothers fingers curling into one of mine. my breath kept me statued and my chewing lips kept me from crying as i felt the sting at my stomach.

i miss the fence that cut my belly that rainy day. and the ache it brought me.

the monster: that of procrastination.

to begin to stop something.
to stop something to begin something else.
to begin to begin, but never actually starting.
it can be never-ending, never starting.

i noticed...

a few things today:
1. the cloudy day made everyone at the coffee house sleepy (after small talk with my barista guy and ms.jenny next to me)...which brings me to the next one...
2. I truely do enjoy meeting strangers (i have been warned about the dangers of this)
3. biking in nyc is exhilerating (i am addicted)
4. and finally... people always seem to be "camping" at the G train (lovely couples tonight).

good night. :)

dear brother

an old one
a new one
and the one that lived years ago.

I recall when my parents were younger. I liked them that way. Strong. Healthy. Willed.
our flaws held no reprucussions and duties were far between.
but as change prevails with time, unwanted truths are sure to follow

i wish that werent our reality.

well-deserved reviews :)

previously I posted about a short film called "Unlocked" by Daryl Wein. NOW he stars in the new film BREAKING UPWARDS and its getting great reviews! it's opening up this weekend.. so if your city has it avaialble. go see it! im sure it'll be great!

and note that that the star of his film Unlocked, Olivia Thirlby, also appears in this film.. yay! :)

Twisted, bright, and full of joy

Snippet thoughts

The crowd is good and happy
My lips are wording the phrase
"You found it"
"You found it, there"
And my smile into memories warms their presence before me.
Love
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

facts

easy breezy.
I dont get angry often. I pout sometimes and throw tantrums when i dont get my way. i usually do. BUT sometimes it seems the universe tests me. And I am a true believer that i have control of my surroundings. So there must be a negative energy I am giving off, because I sincerely have had a horrible week and a half.
So breathe with me and remember.

susy fact #1: bad days always remind me of a book i read in gradeschool: Alexander and The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

back to complex numbers

unpacking i rediscovered my abstract algebra textbook. Funny thing, it doesnt sound diffcult, "abstract algebra", but its not for the light-minded either.
So I began reading it, unlike I had during my math degree..which was in a hurry, fully-frustrated, exhausted, and almost angry state of mind.
Makes me feel smart and stupid at the same time.
i used to think that contradicting emotions were unhealthy, now i think that some subject matters demand it for the sake of appreciation.

spring showers in BK

my heart beats slower under water, there is no such thing as quick bath, and having one in the kitchen is highly recommended.

i miss the kitchen tub.

endearing choke

at approximately 8:07am the wind blew my scarf, I pulled it lightly to distress instant suffocation. yank, adjust, pull... pull.. yank!..a twist of my head. my hair tangled in my coats collar. a mess of fabrics. Intentions to remain calm psychotically bullied into a short-breathed frenzy.
i gasped for air as i look up at the ornate building facades, my black umbrella on the ground, the scarf wrapped tight at my fist. i cursed the skies at center sidewalk. and for only a moment i wished id pulled the scarf the other way... done.. done DONE!
bumped, to regain my breath.
and one footstep returned me to my equilibrium.

non-threat-existence

There's a glare that is pronounced at moments when i enjoy the sun. Looking away for a moment helps... but sometimes a tip of the head, a fall of some hair, fractures the suns gleam enough to keep my eyes steady and ahead.

and there...

there...

hold that spectrum still... take me into that place where my skin melts and my therapy exceeds the hour. simply takes my gravity. steals my soul and blinds my daily woes.

everything... everything exists there and forever will... my colorful spectrum.

thievery

my toe pricks the puddle that stands so still

a subtle touch, a ripple in macrodimension 

a single sway of thigh, a thunderous wave

our floor unsettled, it shifts with beauty

unbalanced, my toes grip the stone

feel the thoughts that flutter by me

familiar, they calm my body

carress my cheek, heat my bones

...

,,,

hyper stylized

entertain me

i can shuffle my coins to tease  you

lick at my lips and uncross my legs

be  your hard core groupie

be your blow addict skank

so entertain me

let me exceed my potential

fun!

Rendering real-life architecture was nice for a bit, but playing with pretty shapes and stuff that will never exist is fun too.

rain me ...

into a puddle with you
let the drops form your hands
and the cold hold me still

pour me into your drowning terms
into the mud that forms below me
statued forever into earth
your silk my eternal day

Fresh Start Day

Jealousy and insecurities have never been a large part of my being. I would lieing to say I never felt them, but last night was something different. A monster surfaced and took no prisoners. and needless to say, humility followed thereafter and this morning. It's a sickening feeling. A wad at the pit of my stomach feels like rising to hurl of self disgust.

and so today has been claimed "Fresh Start".
So let us start anew. Let me start my truth again.

lost without...

...returning with creations of my own... soon.

a decision

...has been made

This will be the last post.
It has been a great pleasure sharing with you all.
Susandia has been my unconditional companion and has relatively kept me sane, if not made me crazier at times, but all is interchangeable in these terms.



I miss her already...

Nowhere Feather

Dreaming that I awake on my parents bed.
I lay, my eye catches the ceiling vent; a feather falls throught it. It floats down, beautifully with a sway and i watch it with a smile. my finger catches it, feeling its delicacy, its peculiar engineering.
A slight pause...enjoying..examining..
I look up for more Nowhere Feathers. Two more fall. I welcome them, leaning up to catch them. Like a snow I'd never felt, they kiss my face. my soft smile to a happy giggle.
Faster... the flurry of Nowhere Feathers pushing themselves out of the vent. Swimming in the bed of softness, in puddle of "leaves" my body stretching capturing them all. My joyous laughter as my palms grip at them.
a flicker of reality pricks at my fingertip when i dont feel the bed under me.
...
Searching, digging, nothing. Just feathers. The panic of the realization.. A sudden short breath as i watch them stuff past the vent. My small body suddenly seeming what it truely is, small, fragile and without escape. With suffocating resistance i stand, waste deep, climbing the very mountain. My fingers tipping the vents latch.. reaching, stretching as the Nowhere Feathers stick at my lips.
Where are they all coming from.. stop.
my mind pleads!

i wake up in a panic as my sister comes to my rescue.

beautiful life vs stubborn soul

as he let me into his home, as the notes and the keys played behind me.
as my feet float across his wooden floors i hear his words "i would keep nothing from you".
Like a dream i move, a slight fantasy, ending with the leaves so pleasant.

i should have told him what it all meant,
but then it wouldn't be mine.
it wouldn't be me.

inspired

if it doesnt take designing a chicken coop to inspire me, im not sure what will.
A client, an animal friendly client, has asked us to design a chicken coop. Having raised chicekens as a kid, as a family, I can recall the annoyances that can be associated with chicken shit and catching one for the butcher block :).
SO attacking this "project" with a practical sense is exciting.
not to mention the fact that this guy lives in the city! and i think i can really get some other friends to invest in their own free range hen-house. :)

Furthermore, its kind of given me a mission statement (that ive been struggling with) for MIRA. Not the coop neccessarily, but the begining of a vision.

the lease

We've lived our lives...lived our marraige by the terms of a leases and Education.
Lease 1, One Year: GOAL - party till we drop. no posessions, no bills. Work, do drugs and party.
Lease 2, One Year: GOAL - buy furniture, go back to school and quit drugs.
Lease 3, Five Years: GOAL - Remodel House we bought, finish bachelor of architecture,
Lease 4, Two Years: GOAL - Receive a Masters Degree
Lease 5, One Year: GOAL - Gain field and work experience, enjoy the city.
Lease 6, Non-Existant: And this is where the problem occurs. Without a commitment to stay, we have the option to leave. I dont do well with that.

I need a deadline, a goal, a decision.

PetNames

Besides the first dog I can remember, I was the one given the task of naming our pets.
CHINA- a fluffy white puppy given to us by my Aunt Anita was "put out of her misery by shot gun" after exuberantly following my brother as he cleaned the garage. A child's car seat hooked to wall fell on her head. It was not pleasant.
IVY- Albino Ferret that made it through our house burning down, finding him in the old chicken coop in the back. Later he escaped from our new house and was mistaken for a rat in the neighborhood and beaten with a baseball bat. OH! but he survived, without a tail so his balance was always slightly off thereafter.
STOLI- First Pit Bull we owned. He was great but was stolen one night. I think my dad's shot gun to scare the thieves off kind of assisted in the dog running towards them more.
CLEO- My first pet tree frog. I even enjoyed gathering crickets from the back alleys of large buildings for her. Me accidentally killing her under a pile of shoes was a bit more hurtful I'd like to admit a frog would cause.
SKILLET- The last dog. Cause my brother used to say home-skillet alot. and i got uncreative and uninterested at the age of 19.

Now we own a cat named Brain which I think Todd did for us. So I think i have relinquished that responsibility. :)

OH! but not a petname.. but i am proud to have chosen my nephews name most recently.
Drum Roll Please... Lucas Alexander Cortez. Well I cant take credit for the last name. If i say so myself, that's a regal name indeed.

-Susandia was named after her father's ex-girlfriend.

perfect

the smell of burning hair is always so distinct.

that's all i have to say about that.

sunny satisfaction

"there you are..." said the LostBoy to Peter Pan.

I could have smiled straight at the sun today with the same welcome...
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

rewind [dreamy feelings]

Im not who i used to be, i told him
without apology and without remorse
as he looked at me with begging eyes
for my reversal, for my rewind

a decade of time we celebrate
almost in a daze of liquid love
in a state of blurry situations
with our stroking hair familiar

each pass a line in my geography
cupped by hands and wrapped by legs
a breathless gasp deleting fog
as i return to true consciousness

waves

they come in slow and with beauty
then with the taste of lemon rinds.
smacking my tongue,
a dry sock filled with wet sand
heavy
uncomfortable
and well deserved

resolution

i'll write them, so hopefully ill keep them :)

1. go down to working a true 8 hour work-day (including lunch)
2. save up for a trip to Electic Picnic. inspired by miss hannigan :)


id make a resolution to lose weight and get fit and all that..but this year, ill just consider that DONE by action.

holiday's last days

as the holiday season officaly comes to an end and i never wrote a proper end of year/new year entry, i'll simply recall the most recent brilliant memory i will hold dear for years to come.
My dear nichole took her first dance with her new husband.
"it is lovely...Love" her mother said, as we both stood watching. she embraced me in a way that her daughter had so many times. Such truth, love and care it held.
her contagious warmth reached my soul as i remembered what inner-peace felt like.

crystal-clear inner-peace... cheers to that for 2010.