broken -hearted

first for me.

by far the first.

that hole people talk about.
the one left gaping.
so fucking gaping.
in my stomach..in my chest. in my core.

its there. so fucking gaping.

:(

anger rant

so considering how angry i woke up (at him). i think i can assume i am going through the very typical stages of grief/loss. whether bargaining will come next, we will see. for now. anger.

he gave up on us. without even really trying. 

to try: to express with a notion to resolve.. never happened. 

too much damned calling.. i will see you tomorrow. was his expression.

forcing my hand to deal with the issues he had with our relationship

fuck you.. im not crazy. 

im angry.

it is not a wasted emotion but one that comes from disappointment and the realization that I've been wronged. tremendously wronged.

and i have every right to be angry (at him). 

last summer feel good tune

here for spring this year.

island smiles

i can still feel the sand in my toes.

the sun in my face
grazing hand on my skin
lips at my shoulders
squeeze at my arm

...
that deserted island. the one id made up in my head for us. with no intruders, no bills, no sorrows from the outside world. just you. forever.

its still there. that wonderful place. 

Day 8

denial. period.

awful and nothing makes sense.

Day 7

:(
back to Day One.
i miss our only day.

Ceiling gazing.

take care of yourself

love you and want you

Day 5.5

-5%

sucks

Day Five

its a gorgeous day. i wore a dress today. :)

Day Four

better. 5% i'd say.
until subway tears welted.
but not for long.

feeling the calm today.
and reopened my "real" journal. :)

Day Three

a little better. 3% maybe.
confusion is the key emotion today.
and a sense to simply not feel anymore.
too much feeling.

self - serenade

Day Two

still sucks.

self blame is rampant.  lets change all that.

Day One

this sucks.
but it doesn't.
but it does.

patience.
self discovery
respect
happiness

deep breaths.
the bird may return.
may not.

time.

when you call...

ALANaISsance!!!

Easter marks the resurrection of jesus christ.

This year the guest of honor is yours truly.
The susana resurrection.
The susana renaissance.

Good things will happen. as they have always have happened. Gloriously.

"whats your song?" they ask

why not a whole record.. Keane-Strangeland .  loss, love, hope, and more hope.

todo azul

"todo azul" translates to "everything blue" which translates that all things are good and calm. in spanish anyway.
this morning, i cant really put my finger on what i want to say, but the words repeat in my head. maybe im making a wish upon the brisk air, praying to the freedom tower.

todo azul. todo azul. todo azul.

lame

another night.

waiting on that boy to call. 

water to that flame.
smother it

go to sleep and dream

cant

clean

bathe

tire the fuck out. 

still waiting

the norm. 

the waiting.
tiring

calm before the storm

without the perfect answer to why
the tethered rope
turning and twisting
barely holding on.
give me a fucking sign
a fucking sign.
thats all i want.

momma

she was a badass.. and i miss her so much.

self scold

not much for them-new years resolutions. but lets be frank hank: im 34 years old. am too-many-lbs over weight. i cant get a consistent sleep habit down. not to mention eating habit. i spend too much time sitting in front of a computer. and i have a love affair with making and breaking plans/goals. where is my accountability to myself!?

so real

sometimes... i may phone ya and other times i may not. my touch is near and of the deepest touches. you will know. i am here. watching over us

stop the share

this very blog and my FB account contradicts my growing disgust in the gluttonous amount of personal sharing.

All of this sharing and re-sharing has desensitized me. The more i read, the less i feel. it numbs me into simply not caring what anyone has to say.

i cant be the only one that this is happening to. this worries me; that people, although being immersed in reading about emotions or experiences, are actually feeling less, or not processing their emotions fast enough to read the next post.

crying spells

i get them at random inappropriate times... usually on my way to work actually. when people surround me on the train. i see them of all ages. strangers. all of them probably having dealt with each of their own hardships. up until recently i had barely dealt with any myself, and still i know i havent even begun to deal with the full punch of mine. my mom is dieing and its not a painless one. its full of pain. and i naively want her to "give up" and try to feel herself again before its all over for her. its naive and i have no comprehension of what she is feeling and have no right to want her to just accept whats happening. i am her naive child that doesnt want her to hurt anymore. shes so tired.

admitting me

the fake plastered ceiling was tarnishing

and the stale sheets were heavy

"how long was i asleep?"

i blinked .. waiting  for a sign. 

a stranger rolls over and kisses my cheek

climbing over me and into his armoire

i watch him move. like a giraffe. 

one legs up and through.. then the other.

"have time to stay over for breakfast?"

i nod with a smile, sweetly .. 

rolling over to give his side of the sheets a squeeze

inhaling... nothing. 

it had happened. 

my most dreadful fear.

i'd forgotten who i was

Fwd: Delivery Status Notification (Delay)

see ive used this space to explore my feelings but somewhere along it got
smaller and smaller. almost exclusive. only particular emotions were being
expressed. its time to widen the scope and make this place mine again.
i have been slowly deteriorating into something i dont want to be. lets
mend and move on. :) its easier to fill with despair than to seek the
happiness we all deserve.

--

more violin. :)

beautiful life

i looked at my older brother as he leaned to the kitchen counter.
in a daze and heightened awareness
we both knew the universe had been good to us.

... as long as youre here, i dont need to know

i like his simplicity in lyrics and notes