MIA without report

when an inch apart still feels far away.

"smoke" break

people have their own way of coping with things. doesnt seem i cope with things..i keep my distance long enough to forget. i donot delete the person nor do i get angry, i just wait, they will get tired and leave me...well most do. the ones that stick around, well they stick around. i like those people, the forgiving ones to my moments off the map.

more seem to be sticking around these days. i'm not sure why.

swell

rising from the pit of my stomach
feasting on lemon rinds and black coffee along the way
bulding to the throat into a suffocating dryness
swelling into the figment of my imagination

a mere catalogue of memories of things seen and unseen:
a conservatory,
a field,
stairs,
parcel deliveries,
an island,
wind turbines,
a blue couch (i think)...

feeling the loss as i debate, grey? or blue?

body fluid overload

thanks friend...hand me that stick...as i stand over this pulp and liquify it to non-existence. maybe this time...yes! yes! holy fuck! yes!
god that felt fucking good...anyone wanna piece of this?!?!?
cmon!
please!
crazed. panting. swinging for takers as the tears welt at these eyes...
anyone?

closing time

last call for alcohol...and i sit staring at those great eyes as my hand gestures the extra round. lost in them...in the clear potions and brown eyes. intoxicated...infatuated.
words that leave those lips lost in the midst of lust covered in liquid love. digital red lines marking the point of near return. blue walls and reminding mirrors.
familiar gazed smile creeps over my lips. my hand stroking my thigh slow and deep.
brushing my hair with their perfect cheek and a goodbye.

migrating cynicism

waking up, the windows were fogged when i looked out. ordinary. cold.
but that clumsy bird made its way to my sill again.
'NOT NORMAL' the bird was labeled today.
"rather refreshing" i thought.
indeed, as cool as the wind that flooded the room.
perched on my shoulder through the day peeping its thoughts away.
it was patient in my movements and happy with my doings
so where did this 'NOT NORMAL' come from?
lets ask our imaginary friends

re-tro-duction

so it seems i need to break the ice with myself. it's been the longest and most uncomfortable and awkward elevator ride lately. the music keeps getting worse and each floor "ding" more nervous.
"might take a long time" he says
"what will" she asks
"the ride...to heaven...that is where you're going...right?"
and the ice was broken...badly...
but broken nonetheless.

mira me mi muerte moderna

the selfish-girl tantrum

the mood seems to be this very girly-girl mood... not the one that thinks in pink, but the girly-girl that believes in girl power and taking what belongs to her.. that no matter what, happiness and true self should outweigh any sense of tradition or right & wrong. that only she matters and the journey to herSELF.

-watermelon is healthy with an avocado, egg , and bacon sandwich.

no point entry 002

the girl named luci that seemed to have that undeniable spark that made you proud that she still existed somewhere...it was her sense of self expression and taking no prisoners in its action that made her so exquisite.
that every single one of her emotions, no matter how minute or dreadful, manifested into something tangible or visual or vocal...
she had such magic for creation.

thxluku 4 lykke

when you cant scream "i love you!!!" loud enough, say it really softly and hope it's truely heard by the heart.

soulja boyyyyyyyy

"watch me crank it, watch me roll"
pumping down the street from a boombox on a perfect scene brooklyn avenue. they were about 10 yrs old, these three kids...lookin straight out of a music video. and i couldnt help but smile at their youth and determination to emulate what they heard on the radio, seen on a tv show.
didnt have my camera but im sure they would have given me their best posse pose.

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/graduation.jpg

hold this note will yah

new year always brings reminiscing...i have to adore todd for loving me even after singing this to him, piss drunk, in front of strangers...happy new year everyone...and shall the memories keep piling up

I have become so boring. I think i need to read a book. need new information or simply imformation that is translated differently than im accustomed to.
then i can retranslate to my liking and spill it out over drinks and conversation and feel proud that i contributed to this thing called socializing.
all feels so useless at times.
oh yeah...merry christmas everyone concerned.

green grass

sometimes you can sit in a field of love and only feel the people that pass you by. as the breeze resonates life and hope, the passerbys are strolling to a different place.
should you follow them or bask in the sun?

blinking oh so slowly

after hearing the words "we dont have time to sleep! fuck!" i actually became angrier at the knot in my throat that grew, at the verge of tears. noones fault but my own. but it was an intersting week or two as i expected...always brings us all closer together even if we do smell bad, are in pissy moods, and have delirious ruptures of laughter and mockery.
so all and any of you paying attention...for the most part, I'll be done with my masters of architecture education tomorrow, today, at 6pm...i have yet to write the thesis book, to be submitted on Jan 15...but i think ill enjoy the long days at the cafe.
and best of all, i get ot sleep tonight...i get to sleep tonight...i get to sleep tonight...holy fuck! i get to go home and sleep tonight. exhausted happiness...yes, its that good.

B to da S to da weeeet

[que violin]
"bitter it is now, sweet it is later..."
the guy in the elevator explained this to me like i didnt already know it and the girl next to us talked [bragged] about how busy she is and how its all so stressfull...god i really do hate elevator rides sometimes.
bitter susy rides this elevator...sweet susy is getting beat to a pulp by some ladies man with a big fucking stick. maybe that was yesterday or the day before, NO, holy shit, im still getting mangled!!!
*ding*
my floor.
no mercy bitch!

attention please

extracting all energy from able-minded individuals willing to donate.
positive energy, brain power and endurance would be most appreciated.

Please be curteous if participating. i am not a disposal center for your bad energy or non-coherent brain power or any other unwanted energy you may be trying to get rid of.

what you send will become the property of susandia and I am not responsible for lost or stolen energy.

I give my deepest regards and thank you all for your donations.

Sincerely,
Susandia

brush away those tears love
sweep away those fears love
climb atop your snowy mountain
scream your cursed words
i deserve to hear them
you deserve to tell them

but you dont
and you wont

special appearrance by [drum roll please]

the wind was splitting at my face, sticking the pants to my shins.
cold and grey.
"what the fuck have you been doing?"
"what the fuck have you been thinking?"
"get your shit together man!"
the feeling of pure clarity with a hint of self-loathing...
"SUZEN!!!!!" from atop the fourth floor, out the window fabian yells, snapping me back to the walk light and corner red brick...
blowing my kiss up to the air...sending all my shit away

my sweet thang!

4am, call the black towncar
"manhattan, W11th and 8th!"
apply the lipstick, check the eyes
the street lights, the bridge
to that hippist french bistro
to wait for him to strut out
in the cold air as the body burns

12 days

12 days till final review and the sense of desperation is surfacing amongst my fellow classmates...should be intersting as we all approach our final days and nights...and somewhat like a mild delirious trip on lsd and speed.
hoorah!
hoorah!
hoorah!

no point entry 001

giving up isnt an option...and rarely ever is.
i mean the idea of giving up on something, a person, oneself, and such seems so unbearable. it's the act of deciding to say "i am no longer putting effort into this and am regarding the thing at hand no longer a priority"... and i know ive done it, but i just cant put my finger on when.

current sound

it's always a woman's voice that soothes me the most

suffocate me with your second hand t-shirt
with your smile and your black hair
sweat dripping, people laughing
bodies grinding and the sheer life of it all
intoxicating

god says

i cant sleep...ive written and deleted about four entries. frustrated and ungrounded, i then planned on reciting to you my first efforts at poetry. while pulling the poem folder from the shelf, Meditations from Conversations With God stumbled out.

MEDITATTION for Nov.23 : BEGIN BY BEING STILL. QUIET THE OUTER WORLD, SO THAT THE INNER WORLD MIGHT BRING YOU SIGHT.

yes it's a psuedo-meditation...but maybe i will try to be still for a bit.

dime adios

my emotions dont seem swayed. they stick and stay. i pleed for their remission but they return with a vengeance, even more intrusive and more aggressive.
conquer and defeat i think
talk and reason i think
subside and move on i think
deny! deny! deny! i think
i think?

these knots

beautiful things can turn into a muddy haze afterall
but i guess, thanks must be given for all of life's etc., etc., etc.