not even

a voice on tape
an i love you
a reminder that it existed once

not so often
but some times
with every flaw
every hardship
every forgiving word

no so often
but some times
i want it back

but only some times.

in waiting

the wolves.
friends? not really. just a means to an end.

remain calm.
play along.
they may not bite.
does it matter if they do?
their hoods pulled back
with shown teeth
greedy paws
dirty coats

fuck em'
fuck em' all.

inside jokes

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/BEIY90tCIIY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

tick tock

dramatic scenes of gun fire play in my head

you're so cool

you're so cool 

you're so cool

the words to the rhythm of the clock over my table. our table. my table.

Ours .. Mine. Our clock. My clock. 

14 years. 

followed by silence. 

poof. gone. just like that.

facades

his facade was with me..
mine is with all that know me.
fake smiles, easy distractions

he plays
i mourn the loss
its pathetic really, the opposite parrallels

life goes on they say
head up
you're better off

doesnt mean its still not the most painful thing to date.

week three

alley was right.
week three isn't so bad. :)

i should call her to see how her week five is going.

don't dye your hair

my own devices
left to them
to do what i want.

its not that people hold you back. compromise for the sake of love and a relationship is something i loved about being with someone.
BUT
i will enjoy this time, as me dear sister put it,
to people watch and be (my) friendly beautiful self.

with the typical and very cliche new hair do
new shoes
and the heart and soul of a badass.

broken -hearted

first for me.

by far the first.

that hole people talk about.
the one left gaping.
so fucking gaping.
in my stomach..in my chest. in my core.

its there. so fucking gaping.

:(

anger rant

so considering how angry i woke up (at him). i think i can assume i am going through the very typical stages of grief/loss. whether bargaining will come next, we will see. for now. anger.

he gave up on us. without even really trying. 

to try: to express with a notion to resolve.. never happened. 

too much damned calling.. i will see you tomorrow. was his expression.

forcing my hand to deal with the issues he had with our relationship

fuck you.. im not crazy. 

im angry.

it is not a wasted emotion but one that comes from disappointment and the realization that I've been wronged. tremendously wronged.

and i have every right to be angry (at him). 

last summer feel good tune

here for spring this year.

island smiles

i can still feel the sand in my toes.

the sun in my face
grazing hand on my skin
lips at my shoulders
squeeze at my arm

...
that deserted island. the one id made up in my head for us. with no intruders, no bills, no sorrows from the outside world. just you. forever.

its still there. that wonderful place. 

Day 8

denial. period.

awful and nothing makes sense.

Day 7

:(
back to Day One.
i miss our only day.

Ceiling gazing.

take care of yourself

love you and want you

Day 5.5

-5%

sucks

Day Five

its a gorgeous day. i wore a dress today. :)

Day Four

better. 5% i'd say.
until subway tears welted.
but not for long.

feeling the calm today.
and reopened my "real" journal. :)

Day Three

a little better. 3% maybe.
confusion is the key emotion today.
and a sense to simply not feel anymore.
too much feeling.

self - serenade

Day Two

still sucks.

self blame is rampant.  lets change all that.

Day One

this sucks.
but it doesn't.
but it does.

patience.
self discovery
respect
happiness

deep breaths.
the bird may return.
may not.

time.

when you call...

ALANaISsance!!!

Easter marks the resurrection of jesus christ.

This year the guest of honor is yours truly.
The susana resurrection.
The susana renaissance.

Good things will happen. as they have always have happened. Gloriously.

"whats your song?" they ask

why not a whole record.. Keane-Strangeland .  loss, love, hope, and more hope.

todo azul

"todo azul" translates to "everything blue" which translates that all things are good and calm. in spanish anyway.
this morning, i cant really put my finger on what i want to say, but the words repeat in my head. maybe im making a wish upon the brisk air, praying to the freedom tower.

todo azul. todo azul. todo azul.

lame

another night.

waiting on that boy to call. 

water to that flame.
smother it

go to sleep and dream

cant

clean

bathe

tire the fuck out. 

still waiting

the norm. 

the waiting.
tiring

calm before the storm

without the perfect answer to why
the tethered rope
turning and twisting
barely holding on.
give me a fucking sign
a fucking sign.
thats all i want.

momma

she was a badass.. and i miss her so much.

self scold

not much for them-new years resolutions. but lets be frank hank: im 34 years old. am too-many-lbs over weight. i cant get a consistent sleep habit down. not to mention eating habit. i spend too much time sitting in front of a computer. and i have a love affair with making and breaking plans/goals. where is my accountability to myself!?

so real

sometimes... i may phone ya and other times i may not. my touch is near and of the deepest touches. you will know. i am here. watching over us