My 2017- the year of motherhood

so it turns out the most critical part of having a baby is having a working womb. ;) Not necessarily having a particular man to do it with. It has been a long journey for me.. the one towards motherhood. The journey that technically hasn't begun yet.
See, the thing is. I thought it began when i got married at the young age of 20. I was wrong. I wasn't just wrong, I was 13 years wrong. A painful divorce pulverized my hopes at the age of 33. I am 38 now. What's happened in almost 5 years you ask! Why didn't i find a (rich) man and get knocked up already?! I'm attractive, funny, smart, creative , patient, and all that great stuff a man would want. I really am, ask anyone. I will tell you what happened in 5 years. First I mourned for as long as I needed, then I rebuilt. I heard my own power and my own voice calling, guiding me towards my own path of single motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer to have a partner. A devoted man that loves our baby as much I would. I would genuinely prefer that. But "prefer" isn't good enough. I wholeheartedly WANT to begin raising my child, soon. My WANT supersedes preference on this subject. I have waited and planned long enough. It's just about time y'all.

soooo... it's real

PMS.. and holy moly she's a bitch.

that
is
all

fuck you tantrum!! Part II

It' will be 8 years in December since I had my last official fuck you (me)! tantrum.

are you surprised? 

I'm not either. 

Well I am, who am i kidding. 

blue skies have been swirling 

sunny days have kissed me

pretty boys are lurking on the wayside

as i sit skipping rocks

cursing myself for the sharp stone i sit on

my fingers kneading one corner. 

that small little corner that i smooth out

smoothing out over and over, hypnotized

looking out to the vast ocean i find myself in

the heartache of helplessness

Our country and the rest of the planet is so divided. For those of us that don't want to feel that division. For those of us that want to stop pointing fingers. For those of us that want to come to a sincere agreement of the problems that plague us... we feel utterly helpless. We feel tired. and we feel sad for those that it effects directly with loss and true pain.  we all know the antidote  "you must admit there is a problem..." before you can begin to understand it, Then you can begin to try and "fix it". 

I am sad to say that some of the people i love most will not admit, unconditionally, that there is a problem. 

inside and outside

a silence has fallen around me.

customary responses to emotions are not manifesting

nothing but silence

EVERY WHERE. 

inside and outside

silence has choked me into peace

inside of me

and outside

imagery : 

a peaceful monk atop a mountain. 

a bewildered dreamy girl in a vast field of tall grass

feel the hate _ MD session

I have allowed myself to express the joy and the sadness of my experiences but not the hate and the anger of them.

what is happening to me?

long pause... as i wait to write about the most useless thing to date. EVER.

Zumba. I told you. Today I took my first zumba class at the gym i joined about 6 weeks ago. I used to belong to a gym when i was way younger. FUCKING LOVED IT. my brothers and i would go together. I would run a mile, ride a stationary bike for 30 minutes, do a step class then swim some laps and finally finish off in the steam room (while they played racquetball). I am not exaggerating. I lived with my parents, what else did i have time to do.
It's been many years. And between now and then I lived a second life. i am on my third right now and this life really enjoys sweating. I have been working out with a lovely personal trainer who has been teaching me my own strength. HEY! I AM STRONG! I didn't know either. I poured zumba sweat today and they have made me a believer. Suburban-ism in Brooklyn, here i come!

PS... apparently my latina blood sucks at the salsa zumba. ;)

it's upon us again.

Springtime.
There is an urge that comes over me during this time of year to make a list. A list of small things that will hopefully fulfill me. Frame the prints I have. Ride my/a bike (citibike rocks!) to the office. make my lunch to take to work. New Years Resolutions start in April for me, most certainly not in January. It may have something to do with it marking  "another year" which is dumb cause it's been more than enough years. or may be that my taxes are done and the weather is amazing and the entire city feels it.
I make a promise to myself that the list is only of things that don't depend on anything else. Examples: if and when i have more money, i will .... or if and when i lose 10lbs, i will... or as soon as work less, i will. Those are excuses. i'm better than that. i am a badass and this years list is gonna be my rockstar.

(quite a tangent thought :) see you in another 4 months?

My fat beautiful cake

I went back to my hometown this winter. I reconnected with friends and family that love me. They built me!
Then came back home to a loving partner and numerous messages from friends wanting to reconnect  here in NY.  I am so grateful for the people that love me and how much they show me.

I love my family- my roots, my foundation, my cake.  And my friends - the most delicious icing a girl could lather herself in.

Happy New Year.
This is the one y'all!