oh universe..

lets have a cup of coffee and talk this out
my pencils led is fragile and my hands tremble
my feet are aching and my heart is tired
and my resentment grows for you

lets not disagree on best intentions
on things to make me stronger
cynicism. skepticism, doubt and pessimism will follow.
i've been good to you

lets not argue anymore.

clouds hover heavy

ive been ditched..

the realization so foreign. 

not in high school, grade school or any friendship

or never important to notice 

breaking up into parts

pieces that seem to have never existed

question their relevance 

their importance

it's exhausting.

gifts that keep giving

its been two months since my husband decided we weren't working (not to say he hadn't decided this months before) On the flip-side, I thought we were simply in a funk. I really did. That all, in time, could be resolved. That powerful (possibly blind or naive) faith I had in Us has seemed to be the greater of the burdens through our breakup.

Since then, getting up in the morning had been difficult enough; so trying to wholeheartedly and positively focuson myself was not coming easy. i faked being "fine" for a while.

Then, just at the right time, a wonderful gent gave me a gift. he gave me yoga. 

i have gone to three classes this week, two of which i cried in. Apparently this can be happen during shavasana. I didn't cry last night, instead, an obvious realization came to me.

Refocus

so, with a cautious heart and a much more honest and clear mind these days, my self-focus may finally begin.

meh

what did i expect?

sugar coated shit at least

pink haired friends

she woke me up with a gift.
a gift that makes all things beautiful
we cruised and sat and ate and shopped and cried and talked and hugged and kissed.
i asked her "did you do this for me on mothers day"
she said "yes"

cheers the true friends that look out for us when we have lost the people who used to.

its 4am

ouch.. i have lost myself again...

Happy Mother's Day

Jan 16, 1946 - Nov. 27, 2012

It's Mother's Day in Mexico today.  I would have sent my mom flowers a few days ago for today's arrival. She loved getting flowers. She didn't have a favorite. She loved them all.

I think her passing is just now catching up to me. i've never felt so alone.

home speaks to me

J: its a story of love and saving the world
S: you enjoy the idea of saving the world
J: yes. i love the idea. it reflects well
S: don't you think it's a naive notion
J: absolutely not, do you?
S: Yes
J:  you are jaded Susana. what's happened
S: I'm sad
J: then I should save your world. come home.

dreams .. those fuckers

she stood on the side of the road
broken down vehicle
24 years old. long stringy blonde dipped hair
she had scissors in her hand
i could see her a mile away

my cabby pulled over
his name was kevin
"you need some help?"
her smile full of intent
he didn't notice, i did

PAINTS

they are out.

jason rogers

he fell apart
quickly.. suddenly.. with a broken heart.

i never understood how he could throw it all away
but he did
she destroyed him

his faith
his hope
his love
was gone and i didnt know him anymore.

i hate that i understand him now.

cafe sunset

let's concoct a plan he said
his Australian tongue so convincing
a plan?
yes a plan...
to take the sunshine.. steal it.. sell it
I'm not sure we can do that
Sure we can
Of course we can i said.
of course we can


i can do anything

not even

a voice on tape
an i love you
a reminder that it existed once

not so often
but some times
with every flaw
every hardship
every forgiving word

no so often
but some times
i want it back

but only some times.

in waiting

the wolves.
friends? not really. just a means to an end.

remain calm.
play along.
they may not bite.
does it matter if they do?
their hoods pulled back
with shown teeth
greedy paws
dirty coats

fuck em'
fuck em' all.

inside jokes

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tick tock

dramatic scenes of gun fire play in my head

you're so cool

you're so cool 

you're so cool

the words to the rhythm of the clock over my table. our table. my table.

Ours .. Mine. Our clock. My clock. 

14 years. 

followed by silence. 

poof. gone. just like that.

facades

his facade was with me..
mine is with all that know me.
fake smiles, easy distractions

he plays
i mourn the loss
its pathetic really, the opposite parrallels

life goes on they say
head up
you're better off

doesnt mean its still not the most painful thing to date.

week three

alley was right.
week three isn't so bad. :)

i should call her to see how her week five is going.

don't dye your hair

my own devices
left to them
to do what i want.

its not that people hold you back. compromise for the sake of love and a relationship is something i loved about being with someone.
BUT
i will enjoy this time, as me dear sister put it,
to people watch and be (my) friendly beautiful self.

with the typical and very cliche new hair do
new shoes
and the heart and soul of a badass.

broken -hearted

first for me.

by far the first.

that hole people talk about.
the one left gaping.
so fucking gaping.
in my stomach..in my chest. in my core.

its there. so fucking gaping.

:(

anger rant

so considering how angry i woke up (at him). i think i can assume i am going through the very typical stages of grief/loss. whether bargaining will come next, we will see. for now. anger.

he gave up on us. without even really trying. 

to try: to express with a notion to resolve.. never happened. 

too much damned calling.. i will see you tomorrow. was his expression.

forcing my hand to deal with the issues he had with our relationship

fuck you.. im not crazy. 

im angry.

it is not a wasted emotion but one that comes from disappointment and the realization that I've been wronged. tremendously wronged.

and i have every right to be angry (at him). 

last summer feel good tune

here for spring this year.

island smiles

i can still feel the sand in my toes.

the sun in my face
grazing hand on my skin
lips at my shoulders
squeeze at my arm

...
that deserted island. the one id made up in my head for us. with no intruders, no bills, no sorrows from the outside world. just you. forever.

its still there. that wonderful place. 

Day 8

denial. period.

awful and nothing makes sense.

Day 7

:(
back to Day One.
i miss our only day.

Ceiling gazing.

take care of yourself

love you and want you

Day 5.5

-5%

sucks

Day Five

its a gorgeous day. i wore a dress today. :)

Day Four

better. 5% i'd say.
until subway tears welted.
but not for long.

feeling the calm today.
and reopened my "real" journal. :)