With a high...

..comes a low

some time this time last year i looked for professional help. My dad asked if i had gone crazy since I went to see a therapist. "I am having a moment of disconnection" I told my father.

Moments of disconnect never happen at good times. Scratch that. They can and do. Those times, I refer to them as epiphanies or enlightenments and I greet them with open arms and even with fearful heart at times. Either way, moments of disconnect are not to be taken lightly. They are intrusive and if not handled carefully will make me tailspin into an unsustainable euphoric state or into a chaotic mess of confusion.
Gibberish.

back to the light.

with the cherry blossoms at bloom 

naps in the park 

days at the beach and blueberry shakes

what more could i want?

this is perfect. 

365.242199 days later

A community of open-minded and fun people who gather together to have honest conversations about relationships, sex, and intimacy

Who would have thought i could cry in front of a circle of strangers. "hippy shit" i thought for a moment, but then i realized that we were all human and the need to gather to be honest wasn't such a bad thing.

People said things to me.
1. you go with the flow and don't take charge it seems. You let things happen instead of making them happen.
2. i hope you allow yourself to have the much needed cry you need.
3. you radiate such warmth and compassion that i hope you get to share a lot of it with the world.
4. thankyou for being brave and sharing, you inspired me and the group.

i thought the class was going to be more about sex, turns out it was about whatever each person was exposing that night. I look forward to more meetings.

Just when you think you're out...

they pull you back in.

"hella traumatic" a dear friend described being left for someone else. Usually the "other person" is simply a symptom of a deeper problem, but that is a conversation for another day.

i am hella traumatized, still. Ugh.

regression

to simplier and happier days. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pu9R4egeg_I

around the corner

I have been happier before. This is a realization that is OK for me to admit. 

There has always been a calm built into me. This self assured knowledge that "i'll be fine". My friends say I dont have "emotional chaos", something that they all share. 

i know i can be happy again. and am OK simply planning for it for now. 

babies

Feb. 04, 2014.
It has been recorded. History it will become soon enough.

pendulum

i think there is a poem about one. or a short story. Im almost sure its famous but i read it as a kid so i cant remember much about it. it was dark is all i remember.

it dropped. i knew it was coming.

happy birthday mom

She would have have been 70 years old today.

I've felt guilty before for not missing her as much as I should have. My pain had been felt more in the pain she felt in her last days. No one deserves that pain. Death is ugly and movies lie.

I want her in my future. In my happiness. I will yearn her meeting my true love and children.

Happy birthday mom, I don't miss u, I just wish you were here.

simple pleasures and pleasant surprises

these used to come easy.
and the truth is, they still do.

the thing is, i forgot.
i forgot to see them, to find them, to look for them.
i got distracted with things.
intangible things, that i can't even pinpoint anymore.
an accumulation of naivety and youth i suppose.
they crept up on me and i forgot to see simplicity.

then real things happened. one person left. another died.
truths were exposed and i have been forced to look again
slowly but surely, with new eyes, im beginning to see again.

current anthem

stealing back

Pegged in the most beautiful way
figured out and exposed
my pawn crawls to the opposite side
gaining inch by inch, word by word, I get closer to my kings retrieval
I deserve it. This board is mine.

relations

the fact that mine lasted 14 years means something, but not everything. we simply have more witnesses to our love and our failure. the fact is, every broken heart goes through the same thing, i'd like to think anyway. It gives me resolve to know someone else has felt the same pain i do. whether shorter or longer-lived and lost.
I digress:
the point is i am not the first or the last to go through a time of confusion, resentment, hatred self-evaluation and prosecution, all intertwined with an undying  love for the very person who caused them. As if i had nothing to do with it. i'd say 70/30, he may say 50/50. any logical person may agree with him, as it's simple mathematics in the end.

fiddle my tears

Cry, let it out.
that's what they said when it was fresh
but I didn't cry then
Now, now I cry
One year after the first loss
7 months after the second.
not a day goes by now, that i don't cry

woe is me. Woe is me.
It sickens me, this sadness.

wish for fast forward

push that side arrow. to when things are all better. when things have settled and the smoke has cleared.

how I want our island back. the one I spoke about and lived by.
by a broken heart I walk. by a broken heart I love. by a broken heart I live.
it's taking too long to mend the pieces. just too fucking long.

he chose to leave
he chose to leave
he chose to leave me.

that's all I'm left with. that simple fact.

check 1... 2

check yourself at the door
you hipster nation man child

loneliness is settling in as it was meant to. for the first time i feel alone and misunderstood. i know its not true. i have those who love me and know me and accept me for all i have to offer.

mr. ex,  i wish a wag of finger or disdained nod of the head could change it all. i'm not over you today. some days are better than others.

my therapist said it could take up to a year to find clear resolve. its been 6 months. SIX MONTHS.

such a crap post. but thats all i have.

she blows...

blonded wind with fire from her mouth
her own hands bleeding herself to death
telling glorified stories of sex and drugs

we are growing and should have new stories to tell.

no more mention of their names
of their habits and ours
they all love us sweet girl
let them love us for our futures

straight talk

some would say to me that karma has come to bite me in the ass. So, let me count my more profound immoral or even too-logical mistakes:

1. I had abortions with my ex husband because we "weren't ready". We were as ready as we could have been.

2. I cheated on my husband. I wish I hadn't.

3. I allowed sex and/or orgasms define my intimacy. I lost my way a little in this department.

He has his list of mistakes as well and they are equally measured. But these are not the reasons we split. The reason we split is much simpler and humane. We stopped communicating. That is all. I love him and he loves me, but things happened and now we get to move on. And I am OK with that. 

in fact, karma did bite me in the ass. with a new found self value that did not exist while married. although i will need sperm some day, i will not need a father to help me raise my child. I will need a village. And if anyone knows how to build a good village, it's me. the choice to be a single mother by choice is made. If a man comes along in the meantime then he will benefit, but he will not be my maker. 

thanks karma.

holy mackerel jimmy!

I've been in NY for 7 years. i started this blog that long ago. as an outlet and partly i think my personal therapist. It's amazing what i've learned from reading back on my own writing. i am so thrilled about everything at the moment. i never thought id live here more than 4 years. I assumed id go back to houston within 5.

i like it here. alot.

woah is me no more

no longer a part of a unit.

the feeling finally settling in after five months. Unless you've been through a massive breakup i cant imagine anyone understanding. the facts are this:

1. he left without a fight to stay.

2. he was romantically involved with a girl before the break up

3. he got her pregnant after intentionally not getting me pregnant

4. i am a single attractive 34 year old architect that lives in NYC.

Number four being of the utmost importance.

Sure, I would rather things have been different, but in the grand scheme of things I am finally and truthfully looking to the future. It's an amazing feeling. I have no regrets and no longer feel anger towards him or the situation. I am free and powerful and loved by so many. I am happy. lonely at times, but i understand that i wont be forever. 

I am learning i am a pretty cool person and i deserve amazing things and I will settle for nothing less. I almost want to thank him for it, but  my choices put me here, in this wonderful place. Where he chose to start a new relationship with someone else. I chose to start one with myself. :)

yea.

album of the day

i am equipped

My life a year ago was a little emotionally rocky. my mother had been going through chemo and i was having some (what i thought were) minor marital problems. But I had hopes to tell her i was pregnant before she died. I had a dream of family with my very long time best friend and partner and husband. I had a chip on my shoulder that thought he and i were immune to us ending.
This year, now.
My mother is no longer with us and my husband left me four months ago for a 24 year old waitress. she's knocked up now. The latter news hit me hardest of all.. any hope i had for him and i had for getting back together, gone. It took me a few days of crying to finally see a little passed the dusty storm. I had my moments of rage and my moments of utter despair. I went a little crazy.

This has all humbled me to say the least, but i feel more equipped for the people i love around me. If a friend goes through a divorce or separation i can relate. if a friend loses a parent i can relate. and help the best i can. i am grateful for this.

I have been lucky in life. I have always been grateful for that.

loss for words

so i will post music for now.

storm's haze

its hard to see passed it right now

there must be clear skies somewhere

out there in the midst of evergreens

at that lake spent in September

how distant and behind

you did this to us.

this us no more

this no more blue skies

made bed

her beak grabbed the corner

then the other

wings fluttered.. humming 

before the sunrise, after the moon set

there was calm in the creases

deliberate peace 

some simple truths

"do people just leave the people they love, to find a new person", my dad asked.
He and I are both dealing with a loss of a partner. my mom didn't leave him by choice. my husband did.

I would have never left my husband. I can say this with such conviction and simple truth. I would have gone to therapy with him (as i go now for myself). i would have gone to strange sex retreats even. anything, because i knew that we were perfect for eachother. As perfect as one could expect from a world filled with so much.

i feel naive writing all of this. It is naive. I was in love. What more childlike dreams and hopes do you expect from a girl in love.

friends

sick ones particularly
they are too young to be dealing with some hardships
how are they chosen
whats this awful lottery they entered
"they", as if im not a spinning ball with them

sickness.. cancer.. i hate it.

oh universe..

lets have a cup of coffee and talk this out
my pencils led is fragile and my hands tremble
my feet are aching and my heart is tired
and my resentment grows for you

lets not disagree on best intentions
on things to make me stronger
cynicism. skepticism, doubt and pessimism will follow.
i've been good to you

lets not argue anymore.

clouds hover heavy

ive been ditched..

the realization so foreign. 

not in high school, grade school or any friendship

or never important to notice 

breaking up into parts

pieces that seem to have never existed

question their relevance 

their importance

it's exhausting.