"i'm glad you're still you"

My brother typed that to me after sending him a semi-disturbing picture of one of my nipples.  Yes, you read right. nipple. picture. to older brother. But to understand you have to know my family. we love each other as a truly blessed family does being raised with the purest and devoted love.
It had been two years since my life took a turn and then somehow i found myself on an examination table... topless with a needle going through my first nipple. my dear friend from highschool Jessica was my support and luckily was  a pretty decent picture taker. Needless to say that shit hurt!!!! Don't let anyone tell you different. nipple piercings are something you keep after, simply because you went through a few seconds of shit pain.
picture sent " hey bro, i did something crazy!!!!" pause and wait for response
Response "ha! are you drunk, high, I was when I got mine, remember?!?!?"
And the truth was, i'd forgotten that he did the same thing 18 years before on MY graduation trip that he and my other older cousins tagged along on. Good ole party-town Cancun, Mexico.
I didn't respond as I internally recollected those faraway but still so close memories...
Additional response : "Love you sis, I'm glad you're still you"

"love you too :)  <3!"

JUST CAUSE

So, for the first time I am posting simply because things are good.. Kind of.  My financial state is in shambles, my love life is, well, obscure and i've hit a plateau in terms of body goals.

BUT, i feel amazing. This little light in me is growing. It's guiding me back to my true-self and I love it. Turns out I'm a super cool chic!

i love you susy. you taste like watermelon.

last hurrahs

I was at a going-away party once and the person I was with didn't want to stay long. "Why stay to say goodbye for an extra hour, they are still leaving and you will probably never see them again. That extra hour won't matter" he said. I was upset. They were harsh words and insensitive but very likely to be proven true. We left.

I've learned that staying that extra hour never does really matter or help me really. Once I know I should leave, I should just say good bye and just leave. The party will go on and that friend that went away will go on.  It's not very hard. Just Leave.

Life Coach and Beyond

A slightly far removed friend offered me probono life coaching for 6 months... As long as she can record it all for her license program. No problem! There are worse things out there of me. Believe you me.

My saboteur, the comfortable Appreciativo, with a capital "A".  It says "I am OK here, now." Even if things got worse or better I can be in the OK place almost always. Well, I mean there are exceptions to all rules, but for the most part I can always be "OK". This can be a good thing, my Appreciativo saboteur, BUT it can also keep me in places that may or not be the best thing for me. Or it may keep me from taking a chance, leaving comfort, to try something new.  Because lets face it, whats the worst that can happen if i leap into unknowns more often than not.

verbatim journal entry 01

It's the first official day of my new journal.  Welcome.  Before today I'd been "journaling" in my blog.  It served its purpose, to satisfy my need for external attention.  Todd, my now ex-husband, wasn't satisfying my attention needs.  He's not completely to be blamed. He was working a lot and I was in summer session from classes.  In a new city with no friends in town and a whole summer to spend, I turned to the most accessible attention, the internet.  Anonymous social networks and blogs. Fast forward 8 years, completing grad school, a few jobs, three neighborhood re-locations, a dead mother, a divorce, depression and 30+ lbs weight gain. And now, I am finally lonely enough to not want internet based attention.  It's been a long journey to get into the comfort of being alone. To cuddle it and embrace it.  It is not some poetic action nor is it something that lasts forever because now i truly know nothing does. It's very nice to meet you Susana, I plan on loving you for the rest of my life.

for reals...

Getting my groove back.
my relationship with myself is improving.  I am beginning to love myself again in a way i have not in a very long time. When I think back, I do believe my descent began about 4 years ago.  The motivation to create my own artwork and pay my body the respect it deserves was beginning to vanish. Now, i am JUST beginning to rebuild the life i want, the life i am proud of.  It has taken a long time to begin this ascending process and it feels truly amazing.

Now, when a love song comes on I think about myself. I sing it to myself.  It's the sweetest and most endearing thing i've done for myself in years. :)