stealing back

Pegged in the most beautiful way
figured out and exposed
my pawn crawls to the opposite side
gaining inch by inch, word by word, I get closer to my kings retrieval
I deserve it. This board is mine.

relations

the fact that mine lasted 14 years means something, but not everything. we simply have more witnesses to our love and our failure. the fact is, every broken heart goes through the same thing, i'd like to think anyway. It gives me resolve to know someone else has felt the same pain i do. whether shorter or longer-lived and lost.
I digress:
the point is i am not the first or the last to go through a time of confusion, resentment, hatred self-evaluation and prosecution, all intertwined with an undying  love for the very person who caused them. As if i had nothing to do with it. i'd say 70/30, he may say 50/50. any logical person may agree with him, as it's simple mathematics in the end.

fiddle my tears

Cry, let it out.
that's what they said when it was fresh
but I didn't cry then
Now, now I cry
One year after the first loss
7 months after the second.
not a day goes by now, that i don't cry

woe is me. Woe is me.
It sickens me, this sadness.

wish for fast forward

push that side arrow. to when things are all better. when things have settled and the smoke has cleared.

how I want our island back. the one I spoke about and lived by.
by a broken heart I walk. by a broken heart I love. by a broken heart I live.
it's taking too long to mend the pieces. just too fucking long.

he chose to leave
he chose to leave
he chose to leave me.

that's all I'm left with. that simple fact.

check 1... 2

check yourself at the door
you hipster nation man child

loneliness is settling in as it was meant to. for the first time i feel alone and misunderstood. i know its not true. i have those who love me and know me and accept me for all i have to offer.

mr. ex,  i wish a wag of finger or disdained nod of the head could change it all. i'm not over you today. some days are better than others.

my therapist said it could take up to a year to find clear resolve. its been 6 months. SIX MONTHS.

such a crap post. but thats all i have.

she blows...

blonded wind with fire from her mouth
her own hands bleeding herself to death
telling glorified stories of sex and drugs

we are growing and should have new stories to tell.

no more mention of their names
of their habits and ours
they all love us sweet girl
let them love us for our futures

straight talk

some would say to me that karma has come to bite me in the ass. So, let me count my more profound immoral or even too-logical mistakes:

1. I had abortions with my ex husband because we "weren't ready". We were as ready as we could have been.

2. I cheated on my husband. I wish I hadn't.

3. I allowed sex and/or orgasms define my intimacy. I lost my way a little in this department.

He has his list of mistakes as well and they are equally measured. But these are not the reasons we split. The reason we split is much simpler and humane. We stopped communicating. That is all. I love him and he loves me, but things happened and now we get to move on. And I am OK with that. 

in fact, karma did bite me in the ass. with a new found self value that did not exist while married. although i will need sperm some day, i will not need a father to help me raise my child. I will need a village. And if anyone knows how to build a good village, it's me. the choice to be a single mother by choice is made. If a man comes along in the meantime then he will benefit, but he will not be my maker. 

thanks karma.

holy mackerel jimmy!

I've been in NY for 7 years. i started this blog that long ago. as an outlet and partly i think my personal therapist. It's amazing what i've learned from reading back on my own writing. i am so thrilled about everything at the moment. i never thought id live here more than 4 years. I assumed id go back to houston within 5.

i like it here. alot.

woah is me no more

no longer a part of a unit.

the feeling finally settling in after five months. Unless you've been through a massive breakup i cant imagine anyone understanding. the facts are this:

1. he left without a fight to stay.

2. he was romantically involved with a girl before the break up

3. he got her pregnant after intentionally not getting me pregnant

4. i am a single attractive 34 year old architect that lives in NYC.

Number four being of the utmost importance.

Sure, I would rather things have been different, but in the grand scheme of things I am finally and truthfully looking to the future. It's an amazing feeling. I have no regrets and no longer feel anger towards him or the situation. I am free and powerful and loved by so many. I am happy. lonely at times, but i understand that i wont be forever. 

I am learning i am a pretty cool person and i deserve amazing things and I will settle for nothing less. I almost want to thank him for it, but  my choices put me here, in this wonderful place. Where he chose to start a new relationship with someone else. I chose to start one with myself. :)

yea.

album of the day

i am equipped

My life a year ago was a little emotionally rocky. my mother had been going through chemo and i was having some (what i thought were) minor marital problems. But I had hopes to tell her i was pregnant before she died. I had a dream of family with my very long time best friend and partner and husband. I had a chip on my shoulder that thought he and i were immune to us ending.
This year, now.
My mother is no longer with us and my husband left me four months ago for a 24 year old waitress. she's knocked up now. The latter news hit me hardest of all.. any hope i had for him and i had for getting back together, gone. It took me a few days of crying to finally see a little passed the dusty storm. I had my moments of rage and my moments of utter despair. I went a little crazy.

This has all humbled me to say the least, but i feel more equipped for the people i love around me. If a friend goes through a divorce or separation i can relate. if a friend loses a parent i can relate. and help the best i can. i am grateful for this.

I have been lucky in life. I have always been grateful for that.

loss for words

so i will post music for now.

storm's haze

its hard to see passed it right now

there must be clear skies somewhere

out there in the midst of evergreens

at that lake spent in September

how distant and behind

you did this to us.

this us no more

this no more blue skies

made bed

her beak grabbed the corner

then the other

wings fluttered.. humming 

before the sunrise, after the moon set

there was calm in the creases

deliberate peace 

some simple truths

"do people just leave the people they love, to find a new person", my dad asked.
He and I are both dealing with a loss of a partner. my mom didn't leave him by choice. my husband did.

I would have never left my husband. I can say this with such conviction and simple truth. I would have gone to therapy with him (as i go now for myself). i would have gone to strange sex retreats even. anything, because i knew that we were perfect for eachother. As perfect as one could expect from a world filled with so much.

i feel naive writing all of this. It is naive. I was in love. What more childlike dreams and hopes do you expect from a girl in love.

friends

sick ones particularly
they are too young to be dealing with some hardships
how are they chosen
whats this awful lottery they entered
"they", as if im not a spinning ball with them

sickness.. cancer.. i hate it.

oh universe..

lets have a cup of coffee and talk this out
my pencils led is fragile and my hands tremble
my feet are aching and my heart is tired
and my resentment grows for you

lets not disagree on best intentions
on things to make me stronger
cynicism. skepticism, doubt and pessimism will follow.
i've been good to you

lets not argue anymore.

clouds hover heavy

ive been ditched..

the realization so foreign. 

not in high school, grade school or any friendship

or never important to notice 

breaking up into parts

pieces that seem to have never existed

question their relevance 

their importance

it's exhausting.

gifts that keep giving

its been two months since my husband decided we weren't working (not to say he hadn't decided this months before) On the flip-side, I thought we were simply in a funk. I really did. That all, in time, could be resolved. That powerful (possibly blind or naive) faith I had in Us has seemed to be the greater of the burdens through our breakup.

Since then, getting up in the morning had been difficult enough; so trying to wholeheartedly and positively focuson myself was not coming easy. i faked being "fine" for a while.

Then, just at the right time, a wonderful gent gave me a gift. he gave me yoga. 

i have gone to three classes this week, two of which i cried in. Apparently this can be happen during shavasana. I didn't cry last night, instead, an obvious realization came to me.

Refocus

so, with a cautious heart and a much more honest and clear mind these days, my self-focus may finally begin.

meh

what did i expect?

sugar coated shit at least

pink haired friends

she woke me up with a gift.
a gift that makes all things beautiful
we cruised and sat and ate and shopped and cried and talked and hugged and kissed.
i asked her "did you do this for me on mothers day"
she said "yes"

cheers the true friends that look out for us when we have lost the people who used to.

its 4am

ouch.. i have lost myself again...

Happy Mother's Day

Jan 16, 1946 - Nov. 27, 2012

It's Mother's Day in Mexico today.  I would have sent my mom flowers a few days ago for today's arrival. She loved getting flowers. She didn't have a favorite. She loved them all.

I think her passing is just now catching up to me. i've never felt so alone.

home speaks to me

J: its a story of love and saving the world
S: you enjoy the idea of saving the world
J: yes. i love the idea. it reflects well
S: don't you think it's a naive notion
J: absolutely not, do you?
S: Yes
J:  you are jaded Susana. what's happened
S: I'm sad
J: then I should save your world. come home.

dreams .. those fuckers

she stood on the side of the road
broken down vehicle
24 years old. long stringy blonde dipped hair
she had scissors in her hand
i could see her a mile away

my cabby pulled over
his name was kevin
"you need some help?"
her smile full of intent
he didn't notice, i did

PAINTS

they are out.

jason rogers

he fell apart
quickly.. suddenly.. with a broken heart.

i never understood how he could throw it all away
but he did
she destroyed him

his faith
his hope
his love
was gone and i didnt know him anymore.

i hate that i understand him now.

cafe sunset

let's concoct a plan he said
his Australian tongue so convincing
a plan?
yes a plan...
to take the sunshine.. steal it.. sell it
I'm not sure we can do that
Sure we can
Of course we can i said.
of course we can


i can do anything

not even

a voice on tape
an i love you
a reminder that it existed once

not so often
but some times
with every flaw
every hardship
every forgiving word

no so often
but some times
i want it back

but only some times.

in waiting

the wolves.
friends? not really. just a means to an end.

remain calm.
play along.
they may not bite.
does it matter if they do?
their hoods pulled back
with shown teeth
greedy paws
dirty coats

fuck em'
fuck em' all.

inside jokes

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tick tock

dramatic scenes of gun fire play in my head

you're so cool

you're so cool 

you're so cool

the words to the rhythm of the clock over my table. our table. my table.

Ours .. Mine. Our clock. My clock. 

14 years. 

followed by silence. 

poof. gone. just like that.

facades

his facade was with me..
mine is with all that know me.
fake smiles, easy distractions

he plays
i mourn the loss
its pathetic really, the opposite parrallels

life goes on they say
head up
you're better off

doesnt mean its still not the most painful thing to date.

week three

alley was right.
week three isn't so bad. :)

i should call her to see how her week five is going.

don't dye your hair

my own devices
left to them
to do what i want.

its not that people hold you back. compromise for the sake of love and a relationship is something i loved about being with someone.
BUT
i will enjoy this time, as me dear sister put it,
to people watch and be (my) friendly beautiful self.

with the typical and very cliche new hair do
new shoes
and the heart and soul of a badass.

broken -hearted

first for me.

by far the first.

that hole people talk about.
the one left gaping.
so fucking gaping.
in my stomach..in my chest. in my core.

its there. so fucking gaping.

:(

anger rant

so considering how angry i woke up (at him). i think i can assume i am going through the very typical stages of grief/loss. whether bargaining will come next, we will see. for now. anger.

he gave up on us. without even really trying. 

to try: to express with a notion to resolve.. never happened. 

too much damned calling.. i will see you tomorrow. was his expression.

forcing my hand to deal with the issues he had with our relationship

fuck you.. im not crazy. 

im angry.

it is not a wasted emotion but one that comes from disappointment and the realization that I've been wronged. tremendously wronged.

and i have every right to be angry (at him). 

last summer feel good tune

here for spring this year.

island smiles

i can still feel the sand in my toes.

the sun in my face
grazing hand on my skin
lips at my shoulders
squeeze at my arm

...
that deserted island. the one id made up in my head for us. with no intruders, no bills, no sorrows from the outside world. just you. forever.

its still there. that wonderful place. 

Day 8

denial. period.

awful and nothing makes sense.

Day 7

:(
back to Day One.
i miss our only day.

Ceiling gazing.

take care of yourself

love you and want you

Day 5.5

-5%

sucks

Day Five

its a gorgeous day. i wore a dress today. :)

Day Four

better. 5% i'd say.
until subway tears welted.
but not for long.

feeling the calm today.
and reopened my "real" journal. :)

Day Three

a little better. 3% maybe.
confusion is the key emotion today.
and a sense to simply not feel anymore.
too much feeling.

self - serenade

Day Two

still sucks.

self blame is rampant.  lets change all that.

Day One

this sucks.
but it doesn't.
but it does.

patience.
self discovery
respect
happiness

deep breaths.
the bird may return.
may not.

time.

when you call...

ALANaISsance!!!

Easter marks the resurrection of jesus christ.

This year the guest of honor is yours truly.
The susana resurrection.
The susana renaissance.

Good things will happen. as they have always have happened. Gloriously.

"whats your song?" they ask

why not a whole record.. Keane-Strangeland .  loss, love, hope, and more hope.

todo azul

"todo azul" translates to "everything blue" which translates that all things are good and calm. in spanish anyway.
this morning, i cant really put my finger on what i want to say, but the words repeat in my head. maybe im making a wish upon the brisk air, praying to the freedom tower.

todo azul. todo azul. todo azul.

lame

another night.

waiting on that boy to call. 

water to that flame.
smother it

go to sleep and dream

cant

clean

bathe

tire the fuck out. 

still waiting

the norm. 

the waiting.
tiring

calm before the storm

without the perfect answer to why
the tethered rope
turning and twisting
barely holding on.
give me a fucking sign
a fucking sign.
thats all i want.

momma

she was a badass.. and i miss her so much.

self scold

not much for them-new years resolutions. but lets be frank hank: im 34 years old. am too-many-lbs over weight. i cant get a consistent sleep habit down. not to mention eating habit. i spend too much time sitting in front of a computer. and i have a love affair with making and breaking plans/goals. where is my accountability to myself!?

so real

sometimes... i may phone ya and other times i may not. my touch is near and of the deepest touches. you will know. i am here. watching over us