verbatim journal entry 01

It's the first official day of my new journal.  Welcome.  Before today I'd been "journaling" in my blog.  It served its purpose, to satisfy my need for external attention.  Todd, my now ex-husband, wasn't satisfying my attention needs.  He's not completely to be blamed. He was working a lot and I was in summer session from classes.  In a new city with no friends in town and a whole summer to spend, I turned to the most accessible attention, the internet.  Anonymous social networks and blogs. Fast forward 8 years, completing grad school, a few jobs, three neighborhood re-locations, a dead mother, a divorce, depression and 30+ lbs weight gain. And now, I am finally lonely enough to not want internet based attention.  It's been a long journey to get into the comfort of being alone. To cuddle it and embrace it.  It is not some poetic action nor is it something that lasts forever because now i truly know nothing does. It's very nice to meet you Susana, I plan on loving you for the rest of my life.

for reals...

Getting my groove back.
my relationship with myself is improving.  I am beginning to love myself again in a way i have not in a very long time. When I think back, I do believe my descent began about 4 years ago.  The motivation to create my own artwork and pay my body the respect it deserves was beginning to vanish. Now, i am JUST beginning to rebuild the life i want, the life i am proud of.  It has taken a long time to begin this ascending process and it feels truly amazing.

Now, when a love song comes on I think about myself. I sing it to myself.  It's the sweetest and most endearing thing i've done for myself in years. :)

set, save, go

sometimes i write in haste, other times in a drunken stupor, but sometimes i write to actually find myself again, with nothing but the purest of intentions. Sometimes writing works, and i discover something i didn't know about myself or  i come to a decision i still didn't even know i'd made.
A plan has been in motion for a while and now it's about time i begin the process. when you know, you know.

mija... que haces?

would she tell me to come home?
she would.
she would ask why i'm not with my brothers and sister.
she would remind me that "in the end nothing matters but the people who love you most, your family"
she'd ask to keep my father's temper tempered

the biggest heart, my biggest love.
Aurora.

Then, the intellect in me exposes the awe one has in someone's departure.  for one to say meaningful things while alive can be a sweet and thoughtful thing but to remember those verses when that person has passed is a thing of great sorrow and enlightenment.  i love you mom. and i miss you. i wish you were here to beg me to come home.

black eyed and tender

lip's curl to the floor as a breath releases a hot question

"how did i get here?" on this cold floor,  with my chest heaving for the life that i'm about to lose.

my mind wanders of what an age old conundrum this has been to many people at different moments, at different times, in different and many circumstances.   Every soul old or well enough to formulate the words must have asked themselves this at least once. It's when the day or fleeting moment comes when nothing makes sense in our own minds.  It's when our thoughts and expectations have deceived us.

brain overlaid : UPDATE

Hmm.. OK, so maybe the list worked a little. Let's see


:) 80%  wake up early
:) 50%  get to work early
:(  0% work out 3 times a week
:)  90% cook 18 out of my 21 meals
:) 50%begin taking my ARE exams to actually be an architect
:( 0% get a new job - i may have decided against this :)
0% get a new apartment : I may have decided to omit this from my list :)
:) 100% visit my family in houston
:( 0% go to the social security office to get my maiden name back
:( 0% go the DMV office to get my maiden name back
:( 0%  finish my website

5 sad faces, 5 happy faces.. Not too bad. Let's change that in the next few months :)

You are moving on...

That's what everyone says.. move on. you're moving on. But I have to admit I'm almost in the same place i was a year ago. A little less despair. A little less crazed, but just as heart-broken as I was the day he left, the day he moved in with someone else, the day I found out he would be the father of someone else's baby.

I would love to move on, but the only place I seem to be moving towards is the fact that i still love him.

It will pass as all things do I guess. I hope, cause this sucks.

brain overload

too much to do and a panic sets in.
I can only focus on making lists of things to do, but not actually doing them.
for example:
wake up early
get to work early
work out 3 times a week
cook 18 out of my 21 meals
begin taking my ARE exams to actually be an architect
get a new job
get a new apartment
visit my family in houston
go to the social security office to get my maiden name back
go the DMV office to get my maiden name back
finish my website
be happy
hug the people i love.
start doing the things i make lists of

With a high...

..comes a low

some time this time last year i looked for professional help. My dad asked if i had gone crazy since I went to see a therapist. "I am having a moment of disconnection" I told my father.

Moments of disconnect never happen at good times. Scratch that. They can and do. Those times, I refer to them as epiphanies or enlightenments and I greet them with open arms and even with fearful heart at times. Either way, moments of disconnect are not to be taken lightly. They are intrusive and if not handled carefully will make me tailspin into an unsustainable euphoric state or into a chaotic mess of confusion.
Gibberish.

back to the light.

with the cherry blossoms at bloom 

naps in the park 

days at the beach and blueberry shakes

what more could i want?

this is perfect. 

365.242199 days later

A community of open-minded and fun people who gather together to have honest conversations about relationships, sex, and intimacy

Who would have thought i could cry in front of a circle of strangers. "hippy shit" i thought for a moment, but then i realized that we were all human and the need to gather to be honest wasn't such a bad thing.

People said things to me.
1. you go with the flow and don't take charge it seems. You let things happen instead of making them happen.
2. i hope you allow yourself to have the much needed cry you need.
3. you radiate such warmth and compassion that i hope you get to share a lot of it with the world.
4. thankyou for being brave and sharing, you inspired me and the group.

i thought the class was going to be more about sex, turns out it was about whatever each person was exposing that night. I look forward to more meetings.

Just when you think you're out...

they pull you back in.

"hella traumatic" a dear friend described being left for someone else. Usually the "other person" is simply a symptom of a deeper problem, but that is a conversation for another day.

i am hella traumatized, still. Ugh.

regression

to simplier and happier days. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pu9R4egeg_I

around the corner

I have been happier before. This is a realization that is OK for me to admit. 

There has always been a calm built into me. This self assured knowledge that "i'll be fine". My friends say I dont have "emotional chaos", something that they all share. 

i know i can be happy again. and am OK simply planning for it for now. 

babies

Feb. 04, 2014.
It has been recorded. History it will become soon enough.

pendulum

i think there is a poem about one. or a short story. Im almost sure its famous but i read it as a kid so i cant remember much about it. it was dark is all i remember.

it dropped. i knew it was coming.

happy birthday mom

She would have have been 70 years old today.

I've felt guilty before for not missing her as much as I should have. My pain had been felt more in the pain she felt in her last days. No one deserves that pain. Death is ugly and movies lie.

I want her in my future. In my happiness. I will yearn her meeting my true love and children.

Happy birthday mom, I don't miss u, I just wish you were here.

simple pleasures and pleasant surprises

these used to come easy.
and the truth is, they still do.

the thing is, i forgot.
i forgot to see them, to find them, to look for them.
i got distracted with things.
intangible things, that i can't even pinpoint anymore.
an accumulation of naivety and youth i suppose.
they crept up on me and i forgot to see simplicity.

then real things happened. one person left. another died.
truths were exposed and i have been forced to look again
slowly but surely, with new eyes, im beginning to see again.

current anthem

stealing back

Pegged in the most beautiful way
figured out and exposed
my pawn crawls to the opposite side
gaining inch by inch, word by word, I get closer to my kings retrieval
I deserve it. This board is mine.

relations

the fact that mine lasted 14 years means something, but not everything. we simply have more witnesses to our love and our failure. the fact is, every broken heart goes through the same thing, i'd like to think anyway. It gives me resolve to know someone else has felt the same pain i do. whether shorter or longer-lived and lost.
I digress:
the point is i am not the first or the last to go through a time of confusion, resentment, hatred self-evaluation and prosecution, all intertwined with an undying  love for the very person who caused them. As if i had nothing to do with it. i'd say 70/30, he may say 50/50. any logical person may agree with him, as it's simple mathematics in the end.

fiddle my tears

Cry, let it out.
that's what they said when it was fresh
but I didn't cry then
Now, now I cry
One year after the first loss
7 months after the second.
not a day goes by now, that i don't cry

woe is me. Woe is me.
It sickens me, this sadness.

wish for fast forward

push that side arrow. to when things are all better. when things have settled and the smoke has cleared.

how I want our island back. the one I spoke about and lived by.
by a broken heart I walk. by a broken heart I love. by a broken heart I live.
it's taking too long to mend the pieces. just too fucking long.

he chose to leave
he chose to leave
he chose to leave me.

that's all I'm left with. that simple fact.

check 1... 2

check yourself at the door
you hipster nation man child

loneliness is settling in as it was meant to. for the first time i feel alone and misunderstood. i know its not true. i have those who love me and know me and accept me for all i have to offer.

mr. ex,  i wish a wag of finger or disdained nod of the head could change it all. i'm not over you today. some days are better than others.

my therapist said it could take up to a year to find clear resolve. its been 6 months. SIX MONTHS.

such a crap post. but thats all i have.

she blows...

blonded wind with fire from her mouth
her own hands bleeding herself to death
telling glorified stories of sex and drugs

we are growing and should have new stories to tell.

no more mention of their names
of their habits and ours
they all love us sweet girl
let them love us for our futures

straight talk

some would say to me that karma has come to bite me in the ass. So, let me count my more profound immoral or even too-logical mistakes:

1. I had abortions with my ex husband because we "weren't ready". We were as ready as we could have been.

2. I cheated on my husband. I wish I hadn't.

3. I allowed sex and/or orgasms define my intimacy. I lost my way a little in this department.

He has his list of mistakes as well and they are equally measured. But these are not the reasons we split. The reason we split is much simpler and humane. We stopped communicating. That is all. I love him and he loves me, but things happened and now we get to move on. And I am OK with that. 

in fact, karma did bite me in the ass. with a new found self value that did not exist while married. although i will need sperm some day, i will not need a father to help me raise my child. I will need a village. And if anyone knows how to build a good village, it's me. the choice to be a single mother by choice is made. If a man comes along in the meantime then he will benefit, but he will not be my maker. 

thanks karma.

holy mackerel jimmy!

I've been in NY for 7 years. i started this blog that long ago. as an outlet and partly i think my personal therapist. It's amazing what i've learned from reading back on my own writing. i am so thrilled about everything at the moment. i never thought id live here more than 4 years. I assumed id go back to houston within 5.

i like it here. alot.

woah is me no more

no longer a part of a unit.

the feeling finally settling in after five months. Unless you've been through a massive breakup i cant imagine anyone understanding. the facts are this:

1. he left without a fight to stay.

2. he was romantically involved with a girl before the break up

3. he got her pregnant after intentionally not getting me pregnant

4. i am a single attractive 34 year old architect that lives in NYC.

Number four being of the utmost importance.

Sure, I would rather things have been different, but in the grand scheme of things I am finally and truthfully looking to the future. It's an amazing feeling. I have no regrets and no longer feel anger towards him or the situation. I am free and powerful and loved by so many. I am happy. lonely at times, but i understand that i wont be forever. 

I am learning i am a pretty cool person and i deserve amazing things and I will settle for nothing less. I almost want to thank him for it, but  my choices put me here, in this wonderful place. Where he chose to start a new relationship with someone else. I chose to start one with myself. :)

yea.

album of the day