If i knew then...

Yea, absolutely, I would have done things differently.

Strength would have been a more dear friend to me
Being outspoken would have been my most powerful tool

Realizing then, what i know now,
that only I have control over my life

selective memory

with the many petals one picks

there are bad ones and there are good ones

our fingerprints leave impressions 

where our choice does not matter

to remember or to forget, you never know

JC eskimo

Winds that hid behind the brick

blow at my face with a force

tossing my hair to a whiplash

watering my eyes with persistence

I search for my strength 

planting a foot down forward

crushing the snow under it

making a lasting impression

the warmth inside me grows

into a powerful heat 

with blood pumping, reviving me

into the eskimo i need to be.


P.S. Happy birthday Mom. I miss you.

Curating towards Self

I walked into this warm place
and it felt so good
The things I chose welcomed me
A blue lamp
A bowl of crayons
Brass plated horse heads

guiding me towards a quiet Self
with soft music and clean floors
smells of burnt musky wood
and moonlight streaming

A new Self welcomed me home

Happy New Year

Oh U!-niverse

you've warned me about your undying love for me
how grateful I am for your guidance

We will see what you have in store for me next
I trust you completely

Amen

breathing very slowly

inhale the future, exhale the past

My New Moon Release

Women's bare feet in a circle, chanting songs of strength, setting fire to dried twigs, and sharing our New Moon releases. With their strength and mine I released Regret... the regret that has found its way into my belly, my womb. It is a morsel that has grounded its roots within this year. I release it and more importantly, the denial I have about feeling it. "I am not a creature of regret" I can still hear myself proudly saying to others and to myself. This conviction was so true that I had not recognized the awful little fear ridden thing growing inside me - so I ignored it. The truth is, I do have regrets. Admitting this is my truth before the New Moon.  Releasing it is my truth after.

Be Grateful

A highly intelligent  person full of light and optimism -the kind of person I sought to be like. My model human being. He lost everything two weeks ago. Not his health and not his wealth, but his best friend and two children in a plane crash.  You are right, there are no words. No words that could ease someones heart break. No words. So no words were spoken.

Be grateful for those that have touched your life. And tell them so.

most important.. my why

My why
I believe in smart and responsible design that promotes adaptability and flexibility - places that embolden the lives people already live. I believe in the future of a new space for the people that are becoming.

My how
The homes I design have open floor plans with clean and modern design. Materials that feel good to our feet and hands, openings that maximize light but include privacy, and technologies that promote environmental awareness.

My what
I design and build modern homes that people live in. Would you like to experience/invest in one?

snow

lighter thoughts

"they play along"

dance within my heart
"they kiss my scalp"

while my boots spread

"where everything is good"

and my nose melts with cold air

"nothings wrong and nothings true "

who'd have thought!?!

Runners are surrounding me!

So I have always, almost proudly even, expressed my dislike for running; even that my body simply wasn't built for that kind of torture. Alas, I'm giving it a shot. A real shot. Not a half-assed attempt to lose weight - where I absolutely HATE every second of it. No. I'm running for a few reasons. Mostly because I think I can. I have NEVER believed I could be a runner. My two brothers and countless other friends that have changed their lives with running, all being of utmost inspiration. Doin' it.

when wants become reality...

I can have anything i want.

It's not about things or money, although i will get those too.
It's about the joy of each day.
Waking up to clean space , a clean heart and a clean mind.

at least 6 days out of the week. :)

PS... this is what happens when a woman watches LEMONADE by Beyonce.

oh captain my captain

you have my knowledge 

my heart, my eyes, my soul

give me the rope to set my sail

tug at my conscious and wake me up 

with pounding waves and 

winds from Zeus himself

show yourself!

so i can dive swiftly into the ocean that awaits me.

Jan 17' reads : Shoe Dog by Phil Knight , You are a Badass by Jen Sincero

draft - revisited

the streets look the same
because i haven't changed

I suppose I wrote the above in a moment of apathy and ungratefulness.

I have changed and the streets have as well.
I have a business... one that I can call my own!
I have goals that I thought were only meant for other types of people - six figures, two homes, debt-free, proud and self-reliant single mom

Those goals would have never existed before.  I have changed and the streets look very different to me these days.

My 2017- the year of motherhood

so it turns out the most critical part of having a baby is having a working womb. ;) Not necessarily having a particular man to do it with. It has been a long journey for me.. the one towards motherhood. The journey that technically hasn't begun yet.
See, the thing is. I thought it began when i got married at the young age of 20. I was wrong. I wasn't just wrong, I was 13 years wrong. A painful divorce pulverized my hopes at the age of 33. I am 38 now. What's happened in almost 5 years you ask! Why didn't i find a (rich) man and get knocked up already?! I'm attractive, funny, smart, creative , patient, and all that great stuff a man would want. I really am, ask anyone. I will tell you what happened in 5 years. First I mourned for as long as I needed, then I rebuilt. I heard my own power and my own voice calling, guiding me towards my own path of single motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer to have a partner. A devoted man that loves our baby as much I would. I would genuinely prefer that. But "prefer" isn't good enough. I wholeheartedly WANT to begin raising my child, soon. My WANT supersedes preference on this subject. I have waited and planned long enough. It's just about time y'all.

soooo... it's real

PMS.. and holy moly she's a bitch.

that
is
all

fuck you tantrum!! Part II

It' will be 8 years in December since I had my last official fuck you (me)! tantrum.

are you surprised? 

I'm not either. 

Well I am, who am i kidding. 

blue skies have been swirling 

sunny days have kissed me

pretty boys are lurking on the wayside

as i sit skipping rocks

cursing myself for the sharp stone i sit on

my fingers kneading one corner. 

that small little corner that i smooth out

smoothing out over and over, hypnotized

looking out to the vast ocean i find myself in

the heartache of helplessness

Our country and the rest of the planet is so divided. For those of us that don't want to feel that division. For those of us that want to stop pointing fingers. For those of us that want to come to a sincere agreement of the problems that plague us... we feel utterly helpless. We feel tired. and we feel sad for those that it effects directly with loss and true pain.  we all know the antidote  "you must admit there is a problem..." before you can begin to understand it, Then you can begin to try and "fix it". 

I am sad to say that some of the people i love most will not admit, unconditionally, that there is a problem. 

inside and outside

a silence has fallen around me.

customary responses to emotions are not manifesting

nothing but silence

EVERY WHERE. 

inside and outside

silence has choked me into peace

inside of me

and outside

imagery : 

a peaceful monk atop a mountain. 

a bewildered dreamy girl in a vast field of tall grass

feel the hate _ MD session

I have allowed myself to express the joy and the sadness of my experiences but not the hate and the anger of them.

what is happening to me?

long pause... as i wait to write about the most useless thing to date. EVER.

Zumba. I told you. Today I took my first zumba class at the gym i joined about 6 weeks ago. I used to belong to a gym when i was way younger. FUCKING LOVED IT. my brothers and i would go together. I would run a mile, ride a stationary bike for 30 minutes, do a step class then swim some laps and finally finish off in the steam room (while they played racquetball). I am not exaggerating. I lived with my parents, what else did i have time to do.
It's been many years. And between now and then I lived a second life. i am on my third right now and this life really enjoys sweating. I have been working out with a lovely personal trainer who has been teaching me my own strength. HEY! I AM STRONG! I didn't know either. I poured zumba sweat today and they have made me a believer. Suburban-ism in Brooklyn, here i come!

PS... apparently my latina blood sucks at the salsa zumba. ;)

it's upon us again.

Springtime.
There is an urge that comes over me during this time of year to make a list. A list of small things that will hopefully fulfill me. Frame the prints I have. Ride my/a bike (citibike rocks!) to the office. make my lunch to take to work. New Years Resolutions start in April for me, most certainly not in January. It may have something to do with it marking  "another year" which is dumb cause it's been more than enough years. or may be that my taxes are done and the weather is amazing and the entire city feels it.
I make a promise to myself that the list is only of things that don't depend on anything else. Examples: if and when i have more money, i will .... or if and when i lose 10lbs, i will... or as soon as work less, i will. Those are excuses. i'm better than that. i am a badass and this years list is gonna be my rockstar.

(quite a tangent thought :) see you in another 4 months?

My fat beautiful cake

I went back to my hometown this winter. I reconnected with friends and family that love me. They built me!
Then came back home to a loving partner and numerous messages from friends wanting to reconnect  here in NY.  I am so grateful for the people that love me and how much they show me.

I love my family- my roots, my foundation, my cake.  And my friends - the most delicious icing a girl could lather herself in.

Happy New Year.
This is the one y'all!

"i'm glad you're still you"

My brother typed that to me after sending him a semi-disturbing picture of one of my nipples.  Yes, you read right. nipple. picture. to older brother. But to understand you have to know my family. we love each other as a truly blessed family does being raised with the purest and devoted love.
It had been two years since my life took a turn and then somehow i found myself on an examination table... topless with a needle going through my first nipple. my dear friend from highschool Jessica was my support and luckily was  a pretty decent picture taker. Needless to say that shit hurt!!!! Don't let anyone tell you different. nipple piercings are something you keep after, simply because you went through a few seconds of shit pain.
picture sent " hey bro, i did something crazy!!!!" pause and wait for response
Response "ha! are you drunk, high, I was when I got mine, remember?!?!?"
And the truth was, i'd forgotten that he did the same thing 18 years before on MY graduation trip that he and my other older cousins tagged along on. Good ole party-town Cancun, Mexico.
I didn't respond as I internally recollected those faraway but still so close memories...
Additional response : "Love you sis, I'm glad you're still you"

"love you too :)  <3!"

JUST CAUSE

So, for the first time I am posting simply because things are good.. Kind of.  My financial state is in shambles, my love life is, well, obscure and i've hit a plateau in terms of body goals.

BUT, i feel amazing. This little light in me is growing. It's guiding me back to my true-self and I love it. Turns out I'm a super cool chic!

i love you susy. you taste like watermelon.

last hurrahs

I was at a going-away party once and the person I was with didn't want to stay long. "Why stay to say goodbye for an extra hour, they are still leaving and you will probably never see them again. That extra hour won't matter" he said. I was upset. They were harsh words and insensitive but very likely to be proven true. We left.

I've learned that staying that extra hour never does really matter or help me really. Once I know I should leave, I should just say good bye and just leave. The party will go on and that friend that went away will go on.  It's not very hard. Just Leave.

Life Coach and Beyond

A slightly far removed friend offered me probono life coaching for 6 months... As long as she can record it all for her license program. No problem! There are worse things out there of me. Believe you me.

My saboteur, the comfortable Appreciativo, with a capital "A".  It says "I am OK here, now." Even if things got worse or better I can be in the OK place almost always. Well, I mean there are exceptions to all rules, but for the most part I can always be "OK". This can be a good thing, my Appreciativo saboteur, BUT it can also keep me in places that may or not be the best thing for me. Or it may keep me from taking a chance, leaving comfort, to try something new.  Because lets face it, whats the worst that can happen if i leap into unknowns more often than not.

verbatim journal entry 01

It's the first official day of my new journal.  Welcome.  Before today I'd been "journaling" in my blog.  It served its purpose, to satisfy my need for external attention.  Todd, my now ex-husband, wasn't satisfying my attention needs.  He's not completely to be blamed. He was working a lot and I was in summer session from classes.  In a new city with no friends in town and a whole summer to spend, I turned to the most accessible attention, the internet.  Anonymous social networks and blogs. Fast forward 8 years, completing grad school, a few jobs, three neighborhood re-locations, a dead mother, a divorce, depression and 30+ lbs weight gain. And now, I am finally lonely enough to not want internet based attention.  It's been a long journey to get into the comfort of being alone. To cuddle it and embrace it.  It is not some poetic action nor is it something that lasts forever because now i truly know nothing does. It's very nice to meet you Susana, I plan on loving you for the rest of my life.

for reals...

Getting my groove back.
my relationship with myself is improving.  I am beginning to love myself again in a way i have not in a very long time. When I think back, I do believe my descent began about 4 years ago.  The motivation to create my own artwork and pay my body the respect it deserves was beginning to vanish. Now, i am JUST beginning to rebuild the life i want, the life i am proud of.  It has taken a long time to begin this ascending process and it feels truly amazing.

Now, when a love song comes on I think about myself. I sing it to myself.  It's the sweetest and most endearing thing i've done for myself in years. :)

set, save, go

sometimes i write in haste, other times in a drunken stupor, but sometimes i write to actually find myself again, with nothing but the purest of intentions. Sometimes writing works, and i discover something i didn't know about myself or  i come to a decision i still didn't even know i'd made.
A plan has been in motion for a while and now it's about time i begin the process. when you know, you know.