fuck you tantrum!! Part II

It' will be 8 years in December since I had my last official fuck you (me)! tantrum.

are you surprised? 

I'm not either. 

Well I am, who am i kidding. 

blue skies have been swirling 

sunny days have kissed me

pretty boys are lurking on the wayside

as i sit skipping rocks

cursing myself for the sharp stone i sit on

my fingers kneading one corner. 

that small little corner that i smooth out

smoothing out over and over, hypnotized

looking out to the vast ocean i find myself in

the heartache of helplessness

Our country and the rest of the planet is so divided. For those of us that don't want to feel that division. For those of us that want to stop pointing fingers. For those of us that want to come to a sincere agreement of the problems that plague us... we feel utterly helpless. We feel tired. and we feel sad for those that it effects directly with loss and true pain.  we all know the antidote  "you must admit there is a problem..." before you can begin to understand it, Then you can begin to try and "fix it". 

I am sad to say that some of the people i love most will not admit, unconditionally, that there is a problem. 

inside and outside

a silence has fallen around me.

customary responses to emotions are not manifesting

nothing but silence

EVERY WHERE. 

inside and outside

silence has choked me into peace

inside of me

and outside

imagery : 

a peaceful monk atop a mountain. 

a bewildered dreamy girl in a vast field of tall grass

feel the hate _ MD session

I have allowed myself to express the joy and the sadness of my experiences but not the hate and the anger of them.

what is happening to me?

long pause... as i wait to write about the most useless thing to date. EVER.

Zumba. I told you. Today I took my first zumba class at the gym i joined about 6 weeks ago. I used to belong to a gym when i was way younger. FUCKING LOVED IT. my brothers and i would go together. I would run a mile, ride a stationary bike for 30 minutes, do a step class then swim some laps and finally finish off in the steam room (while they played racquetball). I am not exaggerating. I lived with my parents, what else did i have time to do.
It's been many years. And between now and then I lived a second life. i am on my third right now and this life really enjoys sweating. I have been working out with a lovely personal trainer who has been teaching me my own strength. HEY! I AM STRONG! I didn't know either. I poured zumba sweat today and they have made me a believer. Suburban-ism in Brooklyn, here i come!

PS... apparently my latina blood sucks at the salsa zumba. ;)

it's upon us again.

Springtime.
There is an urge that comes over me during this time of year to make a list. A list of small things that will hopefully fulfill me. Frame the prints I have. Ride my/a bike (citibike rocks!) to the office. make my lunch to take to work. New Years Resolutions start in April for me, most certainly not in January. It may have something to do with it marking  "another year" which is dumb cause it's been more than enough years. or may be that my taxes are done and the weather is amazing and the entire city feels it.
I make a promise to myself that the list is only of things that don't depend on anything else. Examples: if and when i have more money, i will .... or if and when i lose 10lbs, i will... or as soon as work less, i will. Those are excuses. i'm better than that. i am a badass and this years list is gonna be my rockstar.

(quite a tangent thought :) see you in another 4 months?

My fat beautiful cake

I went back to my hometown this winter. I reconnected with friends and family that love me. They built me!
Then came back home to a loving partner and numerous messages from friends wanting to reconnect  here in NY.  I am so grateful for the people that love me and how much they show me.

I love my family- my roots, my foundation, my cake.  And my friends - the most delicious icing a girl could lather herself in.

Happy New Year.
This is the one y'all!

"i'm glad you're still you"

My brother typed that to me after sending him a semi-disturbing picture of one of my nipples.  Yes, you read right. nipple. picture. to older brother. But to understand you have to know my family. we love each other as a truly blessed family does being raised with the purest and devoted love.
It had been two years since my life took a turn and then somehow i found myself on an examination table... topless with a needle going through my first nipple. my dear friend from highschool Jessica was my support and luckily was  a pretty decent picture taker. Needless to say that shit hurt!!!! Don't let anyone tell you different. nipple piercings are something you keep after, simply because you went through a few seconds of shit pain.
picture sent " hey bro, i did something crazy!!!!" pause and wait for response
Response "ha! are you drunk, high, I was when I got mine, remember?!?!?"
And the truth was, i'd forgotten that he did the same thing 18 years before on MY graduation trip that he and my other older cousins tagged along on. Good ole party-town Cancun, Mexico.
I didn't respond as I internally recollected those faraway but still so close memories...
Additional response : "Love you sis, I'm glad you're still you"

"love you too :)  <3!"

JUST CAUSE

So, for the first time I am posting simply because things are good.. Kind of.  My financial state is in shambles, my love life is, well, obscure and i've hit a plateau in terms of body goals.

BUT, i feel amazing. This little light in me is growing. It's guiding me back to my true-self and I love it. Turns out I'm a super cool chic!

i love you susy. you taste like watermelon.

last hurrahs

I was at a going-away party once and the person I was with didn't want to stay long. "Why stay to say goodbye for an extra hour, they are still leaving and you will probably never see them again. That extra hour won't matter" he said. I was upset. They were harsh words and insensitive but very likely to be proven true. We left.

I've learned that staying that extra hour never does really matter or help me really. Once I know I should leave, I should just say good bye and just leave. The party will go on and that friend that went away will go on.  It's not very hard. Just Leave.

Life Coach and Beyond

A slightly far removed friend offered me probono life coaching for 6 months... As long as she can record it all for her license program. No problem! There are worse things out there of me. Believe you me.

My saboteur, the comfortable Appreciativo, with a capital "A".  It says "I am OK here, now." Even if things got worse or better I can be in the OK place almost always. Well, I mean there are exceptions to all rules, but for the most part I can always be "OK". This can be a good thing, my Appreciativo saboteur, BUT it can also keep me in places that may or not be the best thing for me. Or it may keep me from taking a chance, leaving comfort, to try something new.  Because lets face it, whats the worst that can happen if i leap into unknowns more often than not.

verbatim journal entry 01

It's the first official day of my new journal.  Welcome.  Before today I'd been "journaling" in my blog.  It served its purpose, to satisfy my need for external attention.  Todd, my now ex-husband, wasn't satisfying my attention needs.  He's not completely to be blamed. He was working a lot and I was in summer session from classes.  In a new city with no friends in town and a whole summer to spend, I turned to the most accessible attention, the internet.  Anonymous social networks and blogs. Fast forward 8 years, completing grad school, a few jobs, three neighborhood re-locations, a dead mother, a divorce, depression and 30+ lbs weight gain. And now, I am finally lonely enough to not want internet based attention.  It's been a long journey to get into the comfort of being alone. To cuddle it and embrace it.  It is not some poetic action nor is it something that lasts forever because now i truly know nothing does. It's very nice to meet you Susana, I plan on loving you for the rest of my life.

for reals...

Getting my groove back.
my relationship with myself is improving.  I am beginning to love myself again in a way i have not in a very long time. When I think back, I do believe my descent began about 4 years ago.  The motivation to create my own artwork and pay my body the respect it deserves was beginning to vanish. Now, i am JUST beginning to rebuild the life i want, the life i am proud of.  It has taken a long time to begin this ascending process and it feels truly amazing.

Now, when a love song comes on I think about myself. I sing it to myself.  It's the sweetest and most endearing thing i've done for myself in years. :)

set, save, go

sometimes i write in haste, other times in a drunken stupor, but sometimes i write to actually find myself again, with nothing but the purest of intentions. Sometimes writing works, and i discover something i didn't know about myself or  i come to a decision i still didn't even know i'd made.
A plan has been in motion for a while and now it's about time i begin the process. when you know, you know.

mija... que haces?

would she tell me to come home?
she would.
she would ask why i'm not with my brothers and sister.
she would remind me that "in the end nothing matters but the people who love you most, your family"
she'd ask to keep my father's temper tempered

the biggest heart, my biggest love.
Aurora.

Then, the intellect in me exposes the awe one has in someone's departure.  for one to say meaningful things while alive can be a sweet and thoughtful thing but to remember those verses when that person has passed is a thing of great sorrow and enlightenment.  i love you mom. and i miss you. i wish you were here to beg me to come home.

black eyed and tender

lip's curl to the floor as a breath releases a hot question

"how did i get here?" on this cold floor,  with my chest heaving for the life that i'm about to lose.

my mind wanders of what an age old conundrum this has been to many people at different moments, at different times, in different and many circumstances.   Every soul old or well enough to formulate the words must have asked themselves this at least once. It's when the day or fleeting moment comes when nothing makes sense in our own minds.  It's when our thoughts and expectations have deceived us.

brain overlaid : UPDATE

Hmm.. OK, so maybe the list worked a little. Let's see


:) 80%  wake up early
:) 50%  get to work early
:(  0% work out 3 times a week
:)  90% cook 18 out of my 21 meals
:) 50%begin taking my ARE exams to actually be an architect
:( 0% get a new job - i may have decided against this :)
0% get a new apartment : I may have decided to omit this from my list :)
:) 100% visit my family in houston
:( 0% go to the social security office to get my maiden name back
:( 0% go the DMV office to get my maiden name back
:( 0%  finish my website

5 sad faces, 5 happy faces.. Not too bad. Let's change that in the next few months :)

You are moving on...

That's what everyone says.. move on. you're moving on. But I have to admit I'm almost in the same place i was a year ago. A little less despair. A little less crazed, but just as heart-broken as I was the day he left, the day he moved in with someone else, the day I found out he would be the father of someone else's baby.

I would love to move on, but the only place I seem to be moving towards is the fact that i still love him.

It will pass as all things do I guess. I hope, cause this sucks.

brain overload

too much to do and a panic sets in.
I can only focus on making lists of things to do, but not actually doing them.
for example:
wake up early
get to work early
work out 3 times a week
cook 18 out of my 21 meals
begin taking my ARE exams to actually be an architect
get a new job
get a new apartment
visit my family in houston
go to the social security office to get my maiden name back
go the DMV office to get my maiden name back
finish my website
be happy
hug the people i love.
start doing the things i make lists of

With a high...

..comes a low

some time this time last year i looked for professional help. My dad asked if i had gone crazy since I went to see a therapist. "I am having a moment of disconnection" I told my father.

Moments of disconnect never happen at good times. Scratch that. They can and do. Those times, I refer to them as epiphanies or enlightenments and I greet them with open arms and even with fearful heart at times. Either way, moments of disconnect are not to be taken lightly. They are intrusive and if not handled carefully will make me tailspin into an unsustainable euphoric state or into a chaotic mess of confusion.
Gibberish.

back to the light.

with the cherry blossoms at bloom 

naps in the park 

days at the beach and blueberry shakes

what more could i want?

this is perfect. 

365.242199 days later

A community of open-minded and fun people who gather together to have honest conversations about relationships, sex, and intimacy

Who would have thought i could cry in front of a circle of strangers. "hippy shit" i thought for a moment, but then i realized that we were all human and the need to gather to be honest wasn't such a bad thing.

People said things to me.
1. you go with the flow and don't take charge it seems. You let things happen instead of making them happen.
2. i hope you allow yourself to have the much needed cry you need.
3. you radiate such warmth and compassion that i hope you get to share a lot of it with the world.
4. thankyou for being brave and sharing, you inspired me and the group.

i thought the class was going to be more about sex, turns out it was about whatever each person was exposing that night. I look forward to more meetings.

Just when you think you're out...

they pull you back in.

"hella traumatic" a dear friend described being left for someone else. Usually the "other person" is simply a symptom of a deeper problem, but that is a conversation for another day.

i am hella traumatized, still. Ugh.

regression

to simplier and happier days. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pu9R4egeg_I

around the corner

I have been happier before. This is a realization that is OK for me to admit. 

There has always been a calm built into me. This self assured knowledge that "i'll be fine". My friends say I dont have "emotional chaos", something that they all share. 

i know i can be happy again. and am OK simply planning for it for now. 

babies

Feb. 04, 2014.
It has been recorded. History it will become soon enough.

pendulum

i think there is a poem about one. or a short story. Im almost sure its famous but i read it as a kid so i cant remember much about it. it was dark is all i remember.

it dropped. i knew it was coming.

happy birthday mom

She would have have been 70 years old today.

I've felt guilty before for not missing her as much as I should have. My pain had been felt more in the pain she felt in her last days. No one deserves that pain. Death is ugly and movies lie.

I want her in my future. In my happiness. I will yearn her meeting my true love and children.

Happy birthday mom, I don't miss u, I just wish you were here.

simple pleasures and pleasant surprises

these used to come easy.
and the truth is, they still do.

the thing is, i forgot.
i forgot to see them, to find them, to look for them.
i got distracted with things.
intangible things, that i can't even pinpoint anymore.
an accumulation of naivety and youth i suppose.
they crept up on me and i forgot to see simplicity.

then real things happened. one person left. another died.
truths were exposed and i have been forced to look again
slowly but surely, with new eyes, im beginning to see again.

current anthem